Whatever it is she is wearing, I like a lot.
Recap of NFL Week 13 and a Picture of a Hot Girl
Titans VS Bills- In 8 months we are going to read a few different variations of the following storyline; “His holdout really affected Chris Johnson and once he got back into game shape he was a beast the last 7 weeks of the year”. I will never trust him even though trading for him may win me 1 league. Meanwhile a few weeks ago I called a disappointing 8-8 season for the Bills. At this point they would be ecstatic with 8-8.
Chiefs VS Bears- The difference in this game was a halftime Hail Mary that the Chiefs were able to convert. We watched possibly the 2 worst quarterbacks the NFL has to offer and Caleb Hanie out sucked Tyler Palko. Also Bachelor Bible sends our condolences to Matt Forte. I never forgave you for ruining my 2009 fantasy football season but you are not Shaun Alexander and I would never root for you to get injured before you got the big contract you deserve.
Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!
Miami VS Oakland- This game ended 34-14 and was not as close as the score would lead you to believe. The Dolphins went from potential #1 overall pick to frisky 6-10 team that nobody wants to play. Also Tony Sparano should win coach of the year and yes I am super serious. I am also really excited for somebody picking Reggie Bush in the top 4 rounds of one of my fantasy drafts next year.
New England VS Indy- The Colts beat the spread and were a successful onside kick and 30 second no time out touchdown drive away from winning this game. That’s a moral victory if there ever was one. Also Dan Orlovsky outperformed Tom Brady fantasy wise so please everyone who took my advice and went out and picked up Tom Brady should cut him for Dan Orlovsky.
Pittsburgh VS Cincinnati- Some teams are REAL good and some teams are fake good. The Steelers are REAL good and the Bengals are just fake good.
Carolina VS Tampa- Cam Newton had 3 rushing touchdowns and 1 passing and will inevitably be selected way too high in your fantasy draft next year. This is all I have because I didn’t watch any of this game.
Jets VS Redskins- Last week my Facebook feed blew up with Jet fans calling for Mark Sanchez’s head and he threw 4 touchdowns. This week it blew up with calls for OC Brian Schotenheimer’s job. The team ended up scoring 35 points. Jet fans need to call out the defense next week and they will inevitably pitch a shutout.
Houston VS Atlanta- Atlanta is one of those FAKE good teams we mentioned previously. Houston is a REAL good team with a fake good QB.
Denver VS Minnesota- With under 7 minutes remaining Denver was down 8 with the ball. At that moment I had no doubt they would win the game, I just wasn’t sure how it would unfold. It unfolded with Tebow leading 2 different game tying drives and then his defense picked off Christian Ponder and set up Denver for a game winning field goal. Biggest Tebow time was taken to such a high level this week that my mom asked “Who is this Tebow guy?”
Baltimore VS Cleveland- A few weeks ago I did a list of best running backs in football which only included Adrian Peterson. However I also included a few honorable mentions and Ray Rice did not make the list. Apparently he caught wind of this and decided to rush for 400 yards and 7 touchdowns. I just want Raymond R. Rice to know that I am sorry for not including him and next time I do the best running backs alive list his name will surely be included. The Browns managed just 3 points in this game which is 4 more than I expected.
Arizona VS Dallas- The one silver lining of being a Giant fan is that they are chasing Dallas for the NFC East title and Dallas is just as flawed as the Giants. This game ended when Jason Garret iced his own kicker in regulation, followed by his kicker MISSING the second time. Then in OT, Kevin Kolb threw the ball as far as his little baby arm could manage (5 yards) and Larod James Ray Stephen-Howling-Smith-D’Brickashaw-Williamson scampered 50+ yards for a game winning touchdown. After the game Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan was quoted as saying “I eat because I’m sad and I’m sad because I eat”
This blog is full of references nobody under 20 gets
San Fran VS St Louis- John Harbough is going to win coach of the year. Steve Spagnolo is not. San Fran clinched the NFC West with this win which surprised me because I thought it had been clinched 6 weeks ago.
Giants VS Packers- Normally I’d be more upset but my favorite team went toe to toe with the best team in football and lost by 3. The Giants remind me of one of my 6 fantasy football teams, “The Goodness”. You see “The Goodness” is far and away my best team. However we have struggled through a myriad of injuries and bad luck and are currently in 5th place needing a win this week to sneak into the top 4 and secure playoff berth. You see I know “The Goodness” is the best team in the league and if we just make the playoffs we will win the whole thing. I also know the Giants are good enough to win the whole thing if they can just sneak into the playoffs. I’m not angry with the team or the coach or the GM. I am just hopeful that they can win out and find a spot in the playoffs because they went punch for punch with the Pats and Packers, the 2 best offenses in the NFL and went 1 for 2. All I want is a shot at the playoffs and 1 more chance to beat Aaron Rodgers down Cherry Hill…..
Kara picked this week's girl
Space Jam Dodge Ball
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood
They tell me dodge ball is wrong. They say it encourages children to pick on the weak and that it’s a form of bullying. I say that is liberal horseshit and that type of thinking leads to the pussification of our country. I think we need to encourage our youngsters to play dodge ball. It’s a game that combines strength, agility, teamwork and strategy. Not to mention we never know when the aliens are going to come down to earth and challenge us to a game of dodge ball for intergalactic dominance, basically Space Jam but with dodge ball.
If this ever happens we would need to devise a team in order to defeat the aliens who would obviously possess superior physical skills. What qualities would we be looking for? Arm strength would be the most important strength. The easiest way to get someone out is to throw the dodge ball so hard they cannot catch it. We also factored in, agility, catching ability and overall athleticism to make a Super Team to save our planet. Let’s get to the team.
Bryce Harper- Bryce Harper is a former catcher so we know that catching the dodge ball wouldn’t be a problem for him. His arm is also graded as a perfect “80” by major league baseball scouts so he has the arm strength we are looking for.
Does this make him a 2 sport star?
Aroldis Chapman- He thows a baseball faster than anyone else in the world. That’s all we need to know to put him on this team.
Wes Welker- He’s a former high school quarterback so he has some arm strength. But really we chose Wes because of his quickness, agility and the fact that it seems that he has the best hands in the NFL and catching your opponent’s throw is an important part of dodge ball.
Matt Stafford- Quarterbacks obviously have a ton of experience throwing a larger ball so there will be a bunch of them on this team. Stafford makes it because of his extreme ability to “throw ball far”.
Jeff George- Even at 40+ years of age Jeff George still has superior arm strength. He probably has the best arm in NFL history. Everyone who has ever seen Jeff George throw a football has fallen in love with his arm and this singular fact is the reason why Jeff George continued to get chances in the NFL despite the fact that by all accounts he was a giant douche who didn’t work very hard at football. That makes him perfect for our team, you don’t have to read coverages at the line of scrimmage in dodge ball you just need to throw the ball hard.
Nobody looks better in training camp than Jeff George
Michael Vick- Another player with an incredibly strong arm. See here. He also has amazing speed and agility so he would be difficult to hit with the ball. Plus, if he gets hit in the face with the ball everyone on earth would laugh a bit.
Mariano Rivera- This one was easy, I imagined the “Hammer of God” throwing a dodge ball the same way he throws a cutter and I’m pretty sure it would be impossible to catch. Sometimes it is that simple.
Tim Tebow- Sure he probably wouldn’t hit one opposing player with a ball. Sure there are probably hundreds of potential dodge ballers who can throw harder and with more accuracy. But we need to win this game to keep the aliens from taking us over and quite frankly there is no bigger winner in sports today than Timothy J. Tebow. I see this coming down to the last game and Tebow being the last man standing by eliminating the aliens last few players by himself after missing every alien for the first 58 minutes of playing.
Ok maybe being Tebow is better than being Stafford
NFL Week 12 Recap and a Picture of a Hot Girl
Cincinnati VS Cleveland- This Sunday at my house was a family event which meant a whole new set of people with different gambling implications and games they needed to watch. As a result we watched a whole bunch of this game as my uncles claimed the Bengals were “a lock this week”. They somehow eeked out a win but were unable to cover the spread. The first of many great gambling calls by my uncle. Andy Dalton looked good and if we redrafted the 2011 NFL draft today I imagine he’d be a top 5 pick along with Cam Newton, Von Miller, Patrick Peterson and A.J Green.
Titans VS Bucs- Welcome back Chris Johnson, we missed you. We now have a time table for how long it takes to get back into game shape after missing all of training camp; 10 weeks. Too bad all of your fantasy owners are in dead last after selecting you in the top 5 of their drafts. This game ended with a 4th and 1 in a torrential downpour with the clock running and the Bucs deciding to run one of the worst 4th down plays I have ever seen and not only didn’t make the yard they needed they lost 3 yards. Game: Titans.
Atlanta VS Minnesota- Roddy White went into pure Beast Mode for this game. He had by my own estimates 290 receiving yards and 4 touchdowns. Minnesota did their best, Percy Harvin had a big boy game but without Adrian Peterson the Vikings just didn’t have enough firepower to stay with the Falcons.
Arizona VS St. Louis- Beanie Wells sucks. I don’t care if he had 200+ rushing yards in this game, I refuse to believe he is any good. Patrick Peterson however is really good. He had his 3rd punt return of the year for a touchdown and I can promise next year that Steve Spagnuolo will have his punter kick the ball out of bounds every time and take his chances with the Cardinals offense rather than let Peterson beat him again.
Houston VS Jacksonville- Matt Leinert broke his collarbone in this game 2 weeks after Matt Schuab broke his foot. Rumors that Brett Favre is flying to Houston are unsubstantiated.
Panthers VS Colts- The Colts gave a valiant effort but are 5 weeks away from having to engage in an awkward conversation with Peyton Manning asking him to retire so Andrew Luck can play. Reports of a Deangelo Williams fantasy relevance sighting cannot be confirmed at this time.
Jets VS Bills- Around 2 PM my Facebook newsfeed blew up with Jet fans calling for Mark Sanchez’s head on a platter. In the end he threw 4 touchdowns including the game winner and his team survived another week. However it all would have been for naught if Stevie Johnson had managed to hold onto a perfectly thrown ball from my favorite Ryan Fitzpatrick. Johnson had 2 steps on anyone from the Jets and let the ball go right threw his hands ruining an otherwise solid performance against the world’s only shutdown corner Darrell Revis. Maybe he will blame God again for this drop.
Oakland VS Chicago- Sebastian Janikowski kicked 6 field goals and led to a 10 minute debate as to whether that was a smart pick by the Raiders selecting him in the first round 7 years ago. I still say no. The game ended when the Bears backup QB was unable to execute a clock killing spike to give the team another play at the end of the game. Weird.
Washington VS Seattle- The Seahawks were the second of my uncle’s “locks of the week”. Naturally the Redskins not only beat the spread but also beat the Seahawks. The lesson from this game; when you lay 4 points you better do so with a QB of a higher quality than Tavaris Jackson.
New England VS Philadelphia- The Pats laid the wood to the Eagles this week and hopefully killed any chance “The Dream Team” has of making the playoffs. Vince Young is unable to make even the most basic throws. This game was just a barrage of Desean Jackson and Brent Celek shaking their heads as balls bounced at their feet or flew 3 feet over their heads. The Pats receivers feel the opposite as every ball seems to hit them perfectly in their hands in stride. With the fantasy playoffs coming up in 2 weeks I suggest everyone who hasn’t already go grab Tom Brady as he is totally awesome.
This is the picture of a man whose quarterback cant get him the ball
Denver VS San Diego- This was my uncles 3rd “lock of the week” and if you haven’t figured out the theme of his picks so far he LOVED the Chargers. His logic being that the Chargers would put up too many points for Tim Tebow to even mount a comeback. This is a solid argument but it ignores a few basic facts. First, Phil Rivers sucks. This is something most people outside of San Diego and his fantasy owners don’t realize yet but he does. Also the Denver defense is really good. It’s so good in fact that I’m sure Kyle Orton was sitting in the locker room in Kansas City bitching that he’d still be the starter in Denver if their defense played like this when he was there. The last thing my uncle didn’t take into account was that “it’s biggest Tebow time, it’s daddy’s favorite quarterback”. Look, I can’t explain this Tebow thing so I have chosen to just enjoy it and I recommend you do the same.
For your viewing pleasure, Nikki Cox
She was hot in the 90s, trust me
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Sunday’s Sights
Whatever that thing is she is trying to clip on to her stockings, someone make sure she doesn’t catch it.
Explaining College Football’s BCS Shit Show to you
If you only slightly follow college football you may find that you hear references to “BCS Anarchy” and “BCS Chaos” or “BCS coke fueled midget orgy”. This are inevitably references to the fact that every week 2 or 3 top 10 teams have lost thus making the National Title Game picture a little murkier. Well luckily for you, I’m here to calmly explain things to you in a way that you can understand. Let’s go through the BCS top 10 teams.
- LSU- Undefeated, has played the most difficult schedule to date and yet somehow is one of only 2 teams in Div 1A to not yet lose a game. They play Arkansas this weekend and if they win they play Georgia in the SEC Championship game. Naturally I expect them to lose to throw the BCS Shit Show into more disarray.
- Alabama- Has only lost to LSU. They have the fast track to the National Title game at this current time. Most likely scenario: they beat Auburn this weekend and then beat LSU in the National Title Game leading to 750,876 columns the following week and how the 2 teams should play one more time to decide the true winner.
- Arkansas- Has only lost to Alabama. Even if they beat LSU this weekend, they probably still won’t play in the National Title Game because the public sentiment is that they aren’t really all that good. This is one time the public sentiment has it right, this is probably the least imposing #3 team ever. BTW all 3 teams in the top 3 all play in the SEC West which makes me feel bad for Auburn, Ole Miss and Miss. St.
- Oklahoma St- They were undefeated averaging something like 75 PPG and only had 2 games left in their season. Naturally they lost to an unranked team from Iowa eliminating any chance we had at a clear cut #1 VS #2 title game. They play Oklahoma next week and if they win may still have a chance at the title game. Naturally I fully expect Oklahoma to lay the wood to them.
- Virginia Tech- Virginia Tech is 10-1 by virtue of a weak non-conference schedule and by beating all the teams they are supposed to in their conference. They lost to Clemson who are by most measures better than they are but we will get to the Tigers later. They are the most obscure 5th ranked team ever. They play Virginia this weekend and will probably lose because that makes the least sense.
- Stanford- Stanford is 10-1 ranked 6th in the country and has almost no chance of winning the Pac-12. In fact they probably have a better chance of getting into the National Title game than the Rose Bowl. I love college football, it makes so much sense.
- Boise St- Boise St. is the team that has to be kicking themselves (pun intended). They were a missed FG away from being undefeated in a year with only 1 other undefeated team. I think public sentiment would have landed them at #2 and a chance to be demolished by LSU. Instead they can’t even win the Mountain West and are probably going to be stuck in a lesser bowl game. I’m incredibly bummed about this because a big part of me wanted to see how Boise would fare against a top flight SEC defense.
- Houston- Houston is undefeated, with a Quarterback who deserves the Heisman and an average margin of victory of about 50. Of course they are ranked 8th, this is for 2 reasons. The first is strength of schedule. This makes sense as they have played nobody else in the top 25 of the BCS. The second is that they started the year unranked so pollsters have trouble moving them up a whole bunch of spots even though they are smacking their meager opponents every week. I love college football.
- Oklahoma came in to the year ranked #1. They somehow managed to lose to Baylor and Texas Tech, 2 teams that couldn’t stop Wagner College from scoring. Somehow though they can win the Big 10 if they beat Oklahoma St. next weekend. There’s probably a 90% chance this happens.
- Oregon- Oregon plays Oregon St. this weekend and will play in the Pac-12 title game if they win. The Pac-12 title game will feature either Oregon or Stanford VS an overmatched UCLA team in a game that will be over by halftime. Oregon has 2 losses however, 1 to LSU in week 1 which is understandable and 1 to USC last week. They have no chance at the title game but are 2 easy games away from winning the Pac-12.
The rest of what you need to know. Clemson plays South Carolina this weekend in a really cool matchup. Clemson will probably lose and then beat one of the Virginia teams to win the ACC. Georgia is ranked 13th and will play whichever juggernaut wins the SEC West. I fully expect them to win thus leading to the possibility of a National Title Game between 2 teams that couldn’t win their own conference. Kansas State is ranked 11th, has but 2 losses, both to top 10 teams and has about a 1% chance of playing in a BCS bowl game. The Big Ten title game will see Michigan St square off against the winner of this weekend’s Wisconsin/Penn State tilt. Wisconsin was 2 Hail Maries away from being undefeated and playing in the national title game. They are the only 1 of these 3 teams that has a chance to keep up with Oregon. Naturally I don’t give them a chance in hell of winning both of the next 2 games. TCU will win their conference and play in some lesser bowl, probably against Michigan or Baylor, 2 teams that are interesting offensively but to call them flawed defensively is understating the depths of their problems. Somebody will win the Big East and will play in one of the 5 BCS bowl games, taking away a spot from a more deserving team. I would tell you who this team will be but honestly I don’t care and let me stress this, neither should you.
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The Bachelor Bible
Life can be hard when your single, fortunately those of us at The Bachelor Bible have enough real world experience to guide you through the rough patches. Unless, your a loser, then we can't do anything for you. But don't leave, because there are plenty of half-naked women to beat one off to while you cry.