Posts by Joe Ball

11 Reasons You Should Watch Alabama VS LSU

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In case you haven’t watched any of ESPN’s 7 channels this week or read any website that covers sports Alabama and LSU are playing each other in a college football matchup that is being billed as the game of the century.  The 2 teams are ranked 1 and 2 in every poll conceivable and this Saturday at 8 PM square off in Tuscaloosa.  If you like sports and don’t want to watch this game then you are an idiot and I don’t know what to tell you.  However I will try and appeal to your rationale side.  Here are 11 reasons you should watch this game on Saturday.

She's not a real reason to watch but maybe they will show her in the stands

These are the two best teams in college football.  No intelligent college football fan would argue this point.  Rarely in football do we get to see one game played between the two best teams and this Saturday we get that opportunity.

In fact this is sort of a de facto National Title game semi-final.  Every year the 2 best teams in the SEC square off at some point and every year the winner goes on to the National Title game.  Three years ago it was Florida VS Alabama, a year later the rematch between those 2 teams and last year Alabama VS Auburn.  In all 3 cases the winner of that game went on to win the National Title game because….

The SEC is the world’s greatest football conference.  Five straight years an SEC teams has gone against the best that the Big 12 or the Big 10 or the Pac 12 has to offer and 5 straight years they have won.  Forget de facto National Semi-final, this is a de facto National Championship.

We are equal opportunity here at BB

If you only like pro football well consider this game your chance to jump on some impressive bandwagons.  Let’s start with Trent Richardson who is the most pro ready college running back since Adrian Peterson.  You should tune in just for the possibility of seeing Trent go for 150+.

He’s really good

Or maybe you prefer big play wide receivers, in that case LSU has Reuben Randle who seems to catch a 50+ yard TD pass every game.

Perhaps it’s its defense you prefer.  Alabama’s defense has 10 players expected to be selected in the top 5 rounds of next year’s NFL draft.  Process that for a second and if you need some context, people much smarter than you and I are saying it may be the best college football defense ever.  Not since the hey-day of “The U” have we seen a pro football factory like Bama has now.  This defense is legendary and this is your chance to say you watched them in the biggest game of their season.

And the LSU defense may be just as good.  It definitely doesn’t have the same talent as Bama but it’s been just as effective this season playing a MUCH tougher schedule.  They blitz and they blitz often and they run around the field making plays and they are led by a man they call “Honey Badger”.

Honey Badger don’t give a shit!

That’s right LSU’s best defensive player this year is 5’9 Tyrann Mathieu, nicknamed “Honey Badger”.  You should watch just for the 30% chance he takes one to the house on defense.

How about two coaches on opposite ends of the personality spectrum.  At LSU you have Les Miles who chews grass, scoffs at his own clock management issues and actually calls plays like THISin real live games.  On the other side you have Nick Saban who is quite possibly the world’s least interesting man.  Dude hasn’t cracked a smile since 74.  But he recruits em and coaches em up at Bama and that’s all they care about down there.

Notice the score at the top?

This commercial.  Ya’ll don’t even know he was a virgin till he was 28, now; Roll Tide.

What else are you going to watch?  There are no NFL games on, no NBA, baseball is over, heck it seemed like all the other schools want to watch this game because there isn’t even another interesting college football matchup on at the same time.  Sure you can watch hockey but then at the end of the day well you are watching hockey.

If I still haven’t convinced you that’s your loss.  You want a prediction?  My brain says that Bama has the better defense, the safer coach and the best offensive weapon on either team.  But my heart refuses to root for man as boring as Nick Saban so I’m going LSU 20-13.  Roll Tide….NOT

One more just to leave you happy for the weekend

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Recap of NFL Week 8 and a Picture of a Hot Chick

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Giants VS Dolphins- This game summed up the experience of being a Giant fan the last 7 years perfectly.  The Giants were playing an overmatched 0-6 team with a lame duck coach and the immortal Matt Moore at quarterback.  Needless to say the Giants fell behind early and were lucky to pull out a win at home.  The Dolphins are bad, this is news to no one.  They can’t move the ball downfield and if they were playing any team but the Giants, running the ball would have been impossible because the Dolphins two best plays were “Reggie Bush running like he did in NCAA06 the video game” and “Matt Moore scampers for 8 yards because he can’t find an open receiver”.  In the end the Giants won the game because talent wins most of the time and the Giants despite their many flaws are the more talented team.  There is a reason they are leading their division and the Dolphins are 9 weeks away from completing their Andrew Luck destiny.

Rams VS Saints- The Saints were 7 days removed from hanging 200 points on the Colts while the Rams are winless and coming into the game with A.J. Feely playing quarterback.  Obviously this game ended with the Rams winning by two touchdowns because why would anything that happens week to week in the NFL make any sense?  In related news Steven Jackson made the scariest face I’ve ever seen.  I included a picture of him, you just have to imagine the man in the picture howling like a werewolf.

That is a bad man

Vikings VS Panthers- This game was the opposite of the Rams VS Saints.  I could have written the recap of this game 2 days ago.  Cam Newton is on pace to be the greatest QB in NFL history, Steve Smith has recaptured the title of best WR under 5’9 however the Vikings won because Adrian Peterson is so fucken good he currently occupies all of the spots in the top 5 running backs in the world list.  In fact said list looks like this.

  1. Adrian Peterson
  2. Adrian Peterson
  3. All Day (Adrian’s nickname)
  4. Adrian’s alter ego Smooth Lester Brown
  5. Adrian Peterson

Apologies to Lesean McCoy, Arian Foster, Jamal Charles, Steven Jackson and Chris Johnson’s corpse.

Titans VS Colts- Speaking of Chris Johnson’s corpse…  This isn’t even funny anymore, have we sent Chris to the doctor?  Are we sure this isn’t a weekend at Bernie’s situation?  Someone locate Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.  Oh and the Titans won and ran a really cool running play involving wide receiver Nate Washington.

Maybe the Titans need to play a salsa song during the game

Baltimore VS Arizona- I know what Raven’s fans are going through with Joe Flacco.  The Giants went through a similar thing at the start of Eli Manning’s career.  The defense is first class and the offense has playmakers but the whole team hinges on the growing pains of a young QB prone to making mistakes.  The first half was a disaster for the Ravens.  It might as well been the 5th and 6th quarters of the Ravens offensive abortion against the Jaguars Monday night.  At halftime I’m sure Raven fans were hatching a plan to kidnap Flacco and researching Maryland state law to see what kind of jail time comes with kidnapping a grown man.  Alas though, this was a tale of 2 halves and Raven’s fans (and the thousands of people who picked Baltimore in their Survivor pools) were granted a present in the form of Kevin Kolb and the Arizona Cardinals.  The Cardinals somehow blew a 3 score lead to a team with under 150 yards of total first half offense.  Kevin Kolb threw for about 15 yards in the second half and Larry Fitzgerald went home and killed a hooker to blow off steam.

Texans VS Jags- I slept through most of this game.  I’m told the Texans won and the Arian Foster is really good.

Buffalo VS Washington- The Beard is back!  Ryan Fitzpatrick hasn’t shaved all season and has the start of what is only 11-35 months away from being a glorious man beard once again.

Detroit VS Denver- The return of Matt Stafford throw ball far.  Welcome back Matt Stafford throw ball far, we missed you.  I’m sure every expert who doesn’t believe Tim Tebow will succeed will use this game as proof that he will never be a good NFL QB.  These people may ultimately end up being right.  However let’s not rush to judgment until Tebow plays with ONE skill position player who is above average.  His best running back is No Show Moreno and his best wide receiver is about 5’4.  A lot of young QBs would struggle in his situation.  Also he has a winning smile no homo.

49ers VS Browns- Frank Gore is really upset he wasn’t included in the best running backs list.  So mad in fact he torched the Browns for about 315 yards in anticipation of being left off the list.  Rumors that the Browns actually scored in this game are unsubstantiated.

Bengals VS Seahawks- I was forced to watch this game when every other late game was at halftime. If you are unfamiliar with A.J. Green please become acquainted with the NFL’s next great wide out.  He is so good he makes his ginger quarterback Andy Dalton look good.  Also I think I heard that Pacman Jones played in this game and scored a touchdown but I might have been asleep and dreamt that.

Steelers VS Patriots- Reports of the demise of the Steeler’s Defense have been greatly exaggerated.  The Steel Curtain demolished Tom Brady and limited the vaunted Pats offense to just 17 points.  They pressured Brady, jammed his receivers and basically turned their running game non-existent.  Meanwhile Ben Rothlisberger orchestrated multiple scoring drives, mixing power running with long passes.  Congrats Steelers, you have the target on your back as the team to beat in the AFC.  Try to hold onto it for longer than a week.

This week, topical hot chick Bibi Jones

Good for you Rob Gronkowski!

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Top 5 Last Minute Sports Related Halloween Costumes

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By the time you read this it will be the weekend of Halloween.  Most people will be celebrating this weekend and if you are anything like me you haven’t even began thinking of costumes yet.  Well luckily I am here to help with 5 sports related costume ideas that are fairly easy to put together last minute.

5. Tony Larussa- all you need is a Cardinals hat and t-shirt or pullover jacket, shaggy grey wig and a broken phone to carry around all night.  Bonus points if you fall asleep drunk at the wheel on your way home.

 

4. Red Sox Pitcher- Get a Lackey, Beckett or Lester jersey and carry around a video game controller, empty box of KFC and a beer.  This works great as a group costume.

3.  The city of Cleveland.  Just get an on old Lebron jersey and put a fake knife sticking out of your back.  (This one was stolen from Bill Simmons, but it was too good not to pass along)

2.  Your favorite NFL Quarterback.  All you need is their particular jersey and a few props.  For Tom Brady you need a long haired wig and possible a fake chin that looks like a butt.  For Bachelor Bible favorite Ryan Fitzpatrick you just need the thickest most awesome beard, For Tim Tebow a halo would be fitting, bonus points if you can find a female who looks like this to accompany you.

Rumor has it this was his girlfriend in college, reason number 700 to love Timmy

Mark Sanchez you can wear white pants and carry around a taco bell box.  Drew Brees you can put a fake birthmark on your face and carry around a baby with giant headphones and Peyton Manning, well you don’t need a jersey at all, wear a Colts polo or t-shirt, hat and a neck brace.

Extra points for bringing a real baby to your Halloween party

1 The NBA- Invite all your friends over to your house for a party and then lock them out of your house and demand they give you a bunch of their stuff.

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Recap of NFL Games Week 7 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

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Denver VS Miami- We turned this game on with about 6 minutes left and the score 15-0.  At that point one of the announcers made a comment that it looked like Tony Sparano would be celebrating his first win of the year.  Then Tim Tebow led the Broncos on a touchdown drive and a Miami player fumbled the onside kick and I declared to anyone who would listen; “Tebow is going to lead them on a touchdown drive right now and then run in the 2 point conversion”.  Sure enough this happened and a few minutes later the Dolphins fumbled on their own side of the field and Matt Prater kicked a 52 yard field goal to win the game.  Tebowmania will be in full effect this week.  The Broncos will lead off PTI on Monday, they will get multiple segments on Sports Center and tons of sports columnists will write some variation of “Tim Tebow didn’t have great stats, he just came up big when it mattered the most”.  The lesson will be, the difference between heroes and goats can be less than 6 minutes.

Houston VS Tennessee- I wonder if the Titans are looking into getting Chris Johnson’s new contract voided.  In retrospect that deal has been a train wreck combined with a train wreck that had a plane crash into it on top of a live volcano.  In other premier running back news, Arian Foster is due for a gigantic contract that his team ultimately regrets.

Seattle VS Cleveland- The Indians defeated the Mariners 6-3.  Travis Hafner touched up Felix Hernandez for two home runs and… oh, this was a football contest?  I had no idea.  I’m sorry, we watched none of this game.

Atlanta VS Detroit- With Javid Best out the Lions have no running game.  They also have no real receiving threats other than Super Duper Megatron.  This is evident by the fact that their only touchdown in this game was a classic Matt Stafford throw ball far, Calvin Johnson catch ball and get touchdown.  It seems the rest of the league has caught up to their very one dimensional offensive strategy.  Also Matt Ryan injured his ankle on one play and bent it so awkwardly everyone watching thought he had broken it and 2 people watching with me actually vomited a bit.  He’s a football player so he’s tough and came back and played with the bone sticking out.

Washington VS Carolina- So after 2 weeks of Ryan Torain getting the lion’s share of the rushing workload, this week Mike Shanahan decided to feature Tim Hightower.  Of course he did, Mike Shannahan hates fantasy players so much you would think Erick Karabell fucked his wife.  Also Cam Newton is really fucking good and I continue to be amazed by the fantasy resurgence of Steve Smith who has now put to rest any discussion of who the “real Steve Smith” truly is.

San Diego VS Jets- The Jets are a team with some obvious flaws.  They can’t generate a pass rush without blitzing, other than Revis nobody in their secondary has above average coverage skills, they don’t have the quarterback to be a full out pass first team and they lack a premier running back that goes along with being a run first team.  These aren’t meant to hurt the feelings of Jet fans, they are just a neutral observers opinion from having watched 75% of their plays this year.  However this week the football gods gave them a present in the form of the Chargers.  The Chargers for the last 5 years under Norv Turner have made a habit of handing winnable games to inferior teams.  The Chargers have more talent than the Jets but stayed true to their colors and blew a game they should have won by double digits.

I think this picture says it all

Pittsburgh VS Arizona- The Steelers are very good.  Obviously Big Ben read my column last week and wondered why he wasn’t included in the greatest quarterback alive discussion so he threw for 600 yards and 7 touchdowns this week.  The Cardinals are not very good.  Kevin Kolb might have also ready my column last week but unfortunately he is fucken terrible.  I’m sure Arizona’s front office is looking through their paperwork trying to see if they can somehow void their trade of multiple draft picks, a pro bowl cornerback, 18 free games of shuffleboard at the Golden Edge retirement community and a bunch of sand for Kevin Kolb. 

Dallas VS St Louis- Welcome to the Demarco Murray era.  It will be everything people thought the Felix Jones era would be.  Also, the Sam Bradford era has temporarily been put on hold and Josh McDaniels is probably updating his resume at half time by this point.

KC VS Oakland- Kyle Boller threw 3 interceptions so naturally the Raiders pulled him in place of their shiny new QB toy that they overpaid drastically for.  Carson Palmer then one upped him by throwing 3 interceptions in about half as much time.  It’s good to have the Raiders back to being the mess of the NFL.  I didn’t enjoy the last few weeks where they were winning games and looking like a threat to win their division.  This Carson Palmer trade is going to go down as one of the worst trades in NFL history.  It’s the Roy Williams trade on steroids.

Green Bay VS Minnesota- One of my friends called Christian Ponder Curtis Painter like 5 times.  Luckily for Minnesota, Ponder looked nothing like Painter.  He was poised and made big throws and didn’t look like he crapped his pants on the field.  If I was a Vikings fan I would be upset that Donovan McNabb’s corpse ever seen the field this season.  Adrian Peterson was so excited to be receiving handoffs from a real QB that he rushed for 347 yards in this game.  Unlike quarterback, there is no discussion at the running back position, All Day has the belt for greatest back alive, that is unless Barry Sanders un-retires.  However the Packers still won because Aaron Rodgers is better at throwing footballs than you are at anything.

 

This week, a special request; Mila Kunis

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Official Bachelor Bible College Basketball Preview Part 2

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This is Part 2 of the Official Bachelor Bible College Basketball Preview.  For Part 1, go find it yourself.

From: Joe

  • To: William Avery’s NBA financial consultant
  • John Henson is the new Danny Green and it’s not close.
  • What conference do you think is the best and when you say the ACC which one is second?
  • What non Duke related game are you most looking forward to watching?
  • Do you think this year’s tourney will be like last year (anarchy, complete and utter) or the previous 2 years (chalk)

Sean's favorite UNC player of all time

 

From: Sean

To: Joe Forte, just Joseph Forte

I actually go with the Big East this year.  The ACC has the top 3 or 4 better teams, but the bottom half of the ACC actually deserves to be underestimated this year.  The Big East always claims it’s teams are amazing because the bottom teams beat the top ones and when it happens in the ACC it’s not because the bottom teams are good, it’s because the ACC is weak. This year that might be true.

Georgetown at Syracuse.  I really want to watch teams that sell their souls get destroyed at home.

I think this year’s tourney will be insane…there are so many good basketball players in America that the field keeps getting stronger and stronger.  With the exception of UNC and pppoosssibly Ohio St., no team has any remote chance to be a “dominant” team, even then UNC will have to play perfect.

  • Will Wake Forest matter this year?
  • Which major recruit will bomb?
  • Which mid-major will be this year’s Butler?
  • Is Pat Summit, with Dementia, a better coach than John Calipari?

She's a top 5 coach anywhere

 

From: Joe

To: Danny Ferry’s hair dresser

Will Wake Forest matter? It seems they only matter when they have that one big time player they occasionally get, Duncan, Chris Paul and that guy with the strange name 2 years ago whose name I can’t recall. Do they have that type guy this year?

A Pat Summit joke? I feel dirty. In all seriousness though Pat Summit with a lobotomy still knows more about basketball than John Calipari. If John actually wants to win a national title he would pay pat Summit 3 mill a year to coach his guys that he “recruits”

This year’s Butler? Memphis doesn’t count, they are a major program playing in a mid major conference. Xavier is a similar scenario. I’m going with Butler as this year’s Butler. I think they make another run at this thing, I’m calling Sweet 16 right now. As far as a small school making the Final 4. Not going to happen, Final 4 will be 4 powerhouse schools and the talking heads will be salivating at the “tradition” rich matchups

That kid from Uconn, Andre Drummond will be this year’s most disappointing major recruit, because I have to question the decision making of anyone who chooses to go to Uconn a year early.

From: Sean

 

To: I’m running out of clever names to call you

Wake Forest doesn’t have that guy, not that I see.

Really, this year’s Butler is Butler? That’s like calling out Gonzaga 8 years ago, it’s just lazy and doesn’t even count anymore. I’m going with Detroit. The coach’s son was a top 50 recruit and he brought in some random dudes that are also typically too good for the University of Detroit.

I’m going with Michael Gilchrest for most disappointing major recruit. I think Kyrie made him look better for 3 years and that’s why he dropped in the rankings last year.

I want to see Pat Summit fight Gino Auremia or however you spell his name.

 

To: This is finally over

From: Joe

I think we have enough stuff so I will leave you with 2 things.

Predict who wins the tourney this year.

I will give you 100 words or less to vent about any college basketball related thing you like

From: Sean

 

To: Thank God this is finished.

Duke. That’s always my answer except on years where the names Paulus and McRoberts were both stated in the starting lineup.

Fuck John Calipari. I just want to make sure I can get that statement on a website people might actually see. Just look at him. He looks they way everyone thinks the devil will look if he ever wants to offer you one of those sell your soul cartoon episodes scenarios. How do sanctions and violations follow you around like a housedog and you still keep getting hired and called a “great coach”? Fuck John Calipari.

This is a young Sean

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Official Bachelor Bible College Basketball Preview Part 1

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We are about 3 weeks away from the start of college basketball season.  Right around this time all the major sports websites and print publications are trotting out their annual college basketball preview.  We here at Bachelor Bible felt we that our readers needed a preview from our college basketball expert.  Unfortunately we don’t have one so I turned to my friend Sean who watches more college basketball than anyone else I know (or so he says).  He’s also a gigantic Duke fan and I root for UNC.  It’s going to be so zany, like an NBC sitcom.  We emailed back and forth and cut and pasted it below for you. 

Also here is a picture of him, and yes he is sleeping standing up on the dance floor

 

From: Joe

To: Coach K’s #1 fan

I have no idea how to start this so heres 4 questions.

  1. Who will be the best player in the country?
  2. What are your predictions for the how only 2 games that matter will end? (Duke VS UNC)
  3. Which is your personal favorite Plumlee?
  4. What team are you most scared of in the ACC besides the juggernaut that is the Tar Heels?

From: Sean

To: Awful front runner who roots for the devil

  1. Jared Sullinger, Possibly Harrison Barnes, very slight chance Austin Rivers turns out to be Kevin Durant
  2. Duke/UNC at Duke…Duke winning 51-49 in a game that will simultaneously disappoint and surpass expectations. I think Duke takes 2 of 3…not even cuz they’re better, but yea…because UNC sucks in the ACC tourney and Duke wins it almost every year.
  3. Ugh, the new one, because I haven’t watched him fail to meet his potential yet.
  4. Virginia. They’ve been shit for years, but they have major young players, a good coach in his 2nd year (i think, maybe 3rd), and started playing well last year, lost a lot of their games by less than 7-8 pts.

Questions: Which conference will be the most overhyped?

We should do something on Maryland without Gary Williams.

How many months until Calipari is caught cheating again?

Do we believe that the NCAA Champion will come out of the ACC?

And welcomes the sanctions that are coming in 2015!

 

From: Joe

To: Sean Dockery’s man servant

First off let me respond to your last email before I answer your questions.  I think Duke steals 1 of the 2 regular season games against UNC because God forbid shit is ever easy when it comes to those 2 teams.  Duke could suit up the Staten Island Aquarium team and it would keep it close against UNC.  As far as playing 3 or 4 times, the likelihood they play each other in the NCAA tourney is like 7%.  And while logic dictates they will meet in the ACC title game Roy Williams has shown time and time again he doesn’t care about the ACC tourney.  He is here to win National Titles.

Most overhyped?  I just read something that the Big 12 is the best pound for pound conference in the land.  I’m going with them because I can’t take any team there serious except for Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Maryland without Gary Williams is going to be like UNC after Dean Smith’s recruits left for the NBA and before Roy Williams came on.  Fear the Turtle I do not.

I think UNC has to be the front runner for National Championship so yes I do think an ACC school will win the tourney.

You would have to give me better than 100-1 odds to be against some kind of penalty against Kentucky for infractions during the Calipari era.  Over/Under 2014 for an NCAA investigation into them?

Who is going to be this year’s Ty Thomas Derrick Williams athletic forward that becomes my favorite player for no real reason? (that’s a lie, I like both those guys because they killed Duke in the tourney as I recall)

Which non ACC team are you most excited to see play?

 

From: Sean

To: Captain Baby Blue

Duke will take 2 out of 3.  A. we’re dramatically bigger than you.  B.  Austin Rivers can contain Harrison Barnes, they cancel each other out.  C.  If our inside-outside game is there we won’t lose.  D.  Kendall Marshall will not play like he did last year against us.  Coach K made a mistake of not expecting him to play much.

I’m looking forward to St. John’s for obvious reasons.  Only Big East team I actually like, they have Lavin, and they went from having no nameable players to having like the 7th ranked class.

I say if there are NBA rumors for Calipari, there will be a scandal before the end of the year.

Patric Young (that’s really how to spell his name!) will probably be the ultra athletic forward though.  Make sure you remember I said that when April comes.

 

From: Joe

To: The senior member of the Shavlick Randolph fan club

What is Austin River’s NBA comp?  I’m thinking a skinner Kendall Gill best case scenario

Who wins the Big East?  I put the odds at more than even it is a team that is about to leave.

 

From: Sean

To: Matt Doherty apologist

Austin Rivers comp is smart Monte Ellis.

Big East Season or Tourney…Uconn wins the conference, St. John’s wins the tourney somehow.

Seth's mom has got it going on

From: Joe

To: Seth Curry’s mom’s manicurist

Is Rivers athletic enough to be Monte Ellis?  (I’m asking because I don’t actually know)

Uconn wins the most games in the Big East without Kemba?  St. Johns would get a home town boost since the Big East tourney happens at MSG

Who is the leader for the Shavelick Randolph award for your most hated Duke player this season?

What about the Khalid El Amin award for your least favorite player on an opposing team?

What 3 players would you clone from other teams if you could and add them to Duke?

No way UNC lose 2 of 3 to Duke.  If somehow they stay in the ACC tourney long enough to play Duke then Coach Roy pulls out all the stops, that shit isn’t tolerated.

 

From Sean:

To: John Henson’s strength coach

Not quite, but he’s a chucker who can drive.  Their game is basically the same, just different sizes.

The Big East isn’t that great this year, despite what everyone from the big east will automatically tell you.  Syracuse may stay the same, Georgetown will be ok, but Marquette lost it’s two best, West Virginia didn’t recruit anyone, Louisville is hit or miss…sometimes they’re good, and you don’t know why.

I’m going with Mason Plumlee for the fact that he is stupid.  He cannot play without a good pg.  Look at his stats with and without Irving…nuts.  He tries to make moves rather than post up and he hasn’t made a free throw in 3 years.

Most hated player from another team?  That’s easy…Reggie Bullock from UNC.  He talked mad shit before the season started and did nothing.

Harrison Barnes, Jared Sullinger, and the kid Oden from Indiana St.

Who is the leader for the Danny Greene, I’m not very good but everybody hypes me up because I’m cocky UNC player this year?

Of course this went long, Part 2 will come tommorrow.

 

Any good college basketball preview includes a picture of this girl

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Recap of NFL Week 6 and a Hot Girl

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Lions VS 49ers- The 49ers employed a winning strategy to stop super duper Megatron.  They guarded him with as many as 5 defensive players and limited him to 113 yards and no touchdowns.  I drew  a picture to help explain

This was by far the most effective strategy to date and resulted in the Lions first loss of the season.  By taking away super Megatron the 49ers took away Matt Stafford’s ability to throw ball far and Matt Stafford loves to throw ball far.  If you watch any highlight shows then you have surely seen the tiff that the coaches got into after the game.  While I agree with Lion’s coach Jim Swartz that Jim Harbaugh acted like a dick, I commend Harbaugh for not apologizing, Swartz completely overreacted and nobody should even care about this.

Packers VS Rams- Aaron Rodgers is so fucken good he toys with opposing defenses.  The man is the best quarterback alive.  The belt celebration he does is for “World’s Greatest QB”.  By my estimates he threw 8 touchdowns and 700 yards in the first half and then took the second half off to prank call Bret Favre’s house.

You can't out woo Aaron Rodgers! woooooooo

Steelers VS Jags- I wonder if Jack Del Rio updates his resume during the games or if he waits until after.  Amazingly enough, the Jags came within a Hail Mary of winning this game.  That’s all I have because I don’t think we watched more than 3 plays if this game.

Redskins VS Eagles- This game went exactly how we thought it would 6 weeks ago.  Rex Grossman threw 18 Interceptions and the Eagles offense looked terrific until it got inside the Redskins 10 yard line then they suddenly looked like a bunch of handicap children playing duck, duck goose.

If this joke ofended you go fuck yourself

Panthers VS Falcons- It’s biggest Turner time, it’s biggest Turner time, it’s daddy’s favorite show, it’s daddy’s favorite show.  In a related note, everyone who bought into the new Falcon’s aerial attack hype in the preseason has learned a valuable lesson, Matt Ryan isn’t very good.

Ravens VS Texans- Ray Rice is in beast mode.  Every day he’s shuffling.  If Chuck Norris tried to tackle him Chuck Norris would end up on his face.  Ray Rice is angling for one of those Chris Johnson/Adrian Peterson type contracts.  Insert your own Ray Rice hyperbole here.

Raiders VS Browns- The Browns are so bad that Kyle Boller came in for an injured Jason Campbell and the Browns still couldn’t win this game.  Peyton Hillis and his 1 fantasy point can go fuck themselves.  Seriously, good luck getting that new contract Peyton.  I hope it’s with the Las Vegas Locomotives of the UFL.

Saints VS Bucs- The Saints looked amazing last week in a win and the Bucs lost by 103 points.  So naturally the Bucs came out gangbusters and won this week led by 75 year old Ernest Graham.  Drew Brees threw for 350 yards for the 4th straight week but also threw 3 picks so he dropped to 3rd in the “World’s Greatest Quarterback” race.

Cowboys VS Pats- The first quarter of this game featured 4 turnovers.  Every time we turned this game on one of these 2 teams would hand the ball to the other one.  What should have been a 49-42 shootout between two potent offenses ended 20-16.  The Cowboys hit Tom Brady and jammed his receivers and executed a terrific game plan the whole day.  But Tom Brady and his new haircut showed why they are neck and neck with Aaron Rodgers and his awesome beard for world’s greatest quarterback belt by leading a game winning drive.  Brady had the belt in his record breaking 18-1 season, it was up for grabs when he blew his knee out 12 minutes into the next season, Brees claimed it when he won the Super Bowl the next season, Rodgers grabbed it last year and has it until someone takes it away from him.

Colts VS Bengals- Peyton Manning probably hears all this talk about the 3 way race between Brees, Brady and Rodgers for best QB alive and yells at the TV; “REALLY, FUCK ALL OF YOU, WAIT UNTIL MY NECK IS BETTER I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PASS FOR NINE THOUSAND YARDS AND 75 TOUCHDOWNS, DO NOT FORGET ABOUT ME”.  Also the Bengals and Colts played the type of boring game you’d expect from 2 teams that will combine to win 8 games this year.

I'm a regional manager. I'm very important, I drive a Dodge Stratus!

Geico Guinea Pig Commercial- Click the following link and watch this commercial.  We laughed incredibly hard and actively tried to see commercials just to catch it.

Giants VS Bills- In the battle for best team in New York (sorry Jet fans) the Giants prevailed.  I have watched probably 355 of the 360 minutes the Giants have played this year and they are incredibly maddening to root for.  One minute they can look amazing, the D-line busting through and making tackles for losses, Eli connecting on long passes, Ahmad Bradshaw making it biggest Bradshaw time, all these things happen and remind me of their vaunted Super Bowl run a few years ago.  Other times they look completely hapless, dropping passes, missing tackles, blowing coverages and wasting 1 timeout per half because they can’t get a play off in time.  This particular game they had more of the former plays than the latter and eked out a 3 point win.  It made up for the 80 yard run by Fred Jackson in the first quarter when Deon Grant looked like someone playing Madden who has never played before and takes the wrong angle to make a tackle.  Everyone who has played Madden just nodded their head right now.

 

In honor of National Breast Cancer month here is Marissa Miller wearing a pink Bikini

save the boobies

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An Open Letter to Urban Meyer

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Dear Urban,

Can I call you Urban? Ok, Mr. Meyer it is.  On Saturday you referred to Penn State’s football players as “our players”.  You corrected yourself but in the world of big time college football this predictably led to about 800 million words on the internet speculating what it meant.  I don’t know how much stock to put into this but at the risk of letting a huge opportunity go by please hear my plea.  Penn State is the perfect place for you to resume your coaching career for all the reasons I will detail below.

I bet he's thinking how much he misses Tebow

First off, do you remember those Big Ten schools that Florida used to whup up on every bowl season?  Well you will be playing those same teams every week.  Remember the insane speed of SEC defenses?  There’s none of that.  Your spread system that succeeded so well at Florida; that’s light years ahead of anything anyone in the Big Ten runs.  A coach of your caliber will dominate Ron Zook, Bo Pelini, Brady Hoke and whoever it is that coaches at Ohio St. now that captain sweater vest and his ambiguous ethical standards have left.  You can dominate the conference, go undefeated and basically guarantee yourself a BCS bowl appearance every year.  Forget the rigors of going through the SEC every week, it is way more fun to beat up on teams that still think it’s the 1970s.

Recruiting Pipe line:  You already have influence in the cream de la cream that is south Florida from your days at UF and the west coast pipeline from Utah.  Well at Penn State you will have your pick of every 18 year old in Pennsylvania, one of the best states for high school football players.  Not to mention New Jersey which Penn State has traditionally owned because God forbid Rutgers got the kid’s in their own freaking back yard.  If you want you can even tap into the talent rich areas of Ohio and Michigan and steal the fastest kids right from Ohio State and Michigan’s pipelines. Nationwide recruiting with a strong local pipeline, what more can you ask for?

You will be loved.  Joe Pa could run for governor at age 88 and win unanimously.  Penn State loves its football coaches and players.  Florida had a terrific crowd but there is a reason Penn State’s home crowd is ranked ahead of it in EVERY list of top college crowds anywhere.  It’s easy going to college football games when its 75+ degrees every game, true love is tailgating in 20 degree temperature to watch a game that will probably end 14-13.  There are no better fans in the world and you can be a fucken hero to them.

This.  Just this, if that doesn’t give you chills Mr. Meyer than you really do have ice running through your veins.

I know your biggest concern is that you may be viewed as pushing Joe Paterno out.  Joe Pa won’t leave until he is ready, everyone knows this.  Call me crazy but I think this is what he’s been waiting for, a winning record and possibly a bowl victory and the chance to hand the reins to someone who will take the team in the right direction.  That someone could be you.  You have experience following a legend having done so at Florida with Steve Spurrier (everyone at Florida has promised to act like the Ron Zook era never happened).  Joe Pa will call a press conference announce his retirement and hand over the reins to you.  It would be epic, tears would be shed and then immediately recruits would be signed, players coached up and games won.  Lots and lots of games won.  Penn State needs you Urban.  We need you for “our” team.

Rumors are unsubstantiated that she is a professor at PSU

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Recap of NFL Week 5 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

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Saints VS Panthers- Steve Smith is not a man to be trifled with.  Roman Harper apparently didn’t know this and hit Smith late after a long touchdown.  Steve Smith finished his touchdown celebration then got into fisticuffs with Harper.  The lesson as always, don’t fuck with a man who broke a teammates jaw a few years ago and all his teammates were so scared of him NOBODY said anything.

Steve Smith is down for the catch weight like Pacquiao

Eagles VS Bills- This game featured some of the most electrifying and exciting offensive players in the league.  The guy who had the best game?  That would be Fred Jackson, an undrafted player out of a Division 2 school.  The man is a beast.  If you drafted him in your fantasy league, congrats I envy you.  If you have Andy Reid in your first coach to get fired pool, congrats you are looking great.

Chiefs VS Colts- The Colts new QB and their punter look exactly alike.  So much so that I think they can save a roster spot by combining their names and having them share a jersey.  Just hide the punter in the locker room during offensive series and have the QB run into the locker room on 4th down and give him the jersey and he can come out and punt.  This is fool proof.

they are practically twins!

Bengals VS Jags- I’m sure this was a very exciting game.  I wouldn’t know.  I did hear that Andy Dalton’s nickname is the Red Rifle.  That’s a great backup choice to my suggestion of “creepy looking ginger fuck”

Giants VS Seahawks- Here is my impression of the two teams involved in this game.  “Here you take the game”.  “No, no I insist, you take the game”  “No, I couldn’t, you take this game” “Ok fine, we’ll take it but we certainly don’t want to win this game”.  I think this quote sums it all up; “We just lost to Charlie Whinehouse”- Mike Williamson

she plays QB for the Seahawks now

Vikings VS Cardinals- Adrian Peterson’s nickname is All Day.  It was fitting on Sunday because he ran All Day on that awful Cardinals team.  I think he finished with 7 touchdowns and 700 rushing yards.

Titans over Steelers- I will let my cousin take this one “Fucken Rothlisberger throws 3 touchdowns the entire goddam season and today he throws 5 with a fucken boot on his foot, he can go fuck himself”

Raiders VS Texans- Classic Texans game I’ve been waiting for all year.  Jason Campbell completed less than 50% of his passes in this game, Darren Mcfadden rushed for less than 100 yards and the Raiders still won.  Matt Schaub ended the game with an Eli Manning classic, an ill advised 7 yard throw across his body right into a defender’s hands.  If I were a Texans fan I would probably light myself on fire after this game.

This guy is deffinately a Texans fan

Bucs VS 49ers- There is only one possible answer for this game.  It clearly took place in 1996 and nobody bothered to tell us.  I think the final score was something like 70-3.

Chargers VS Broncos- Biggest Tolbert time came to an abrupt end this week due to a concussion.  That’s fine because this week it was Tim Tebow time.  It’s daddy’s favorite quarterback, it’s daddy’s favorite quarterback.  This was the most Broncos we watched all season and it was due solely to the curiosity of seeing how Timmy would do.  If you are the Broncos and you suck anyway, that should be reason enough to start him the rest of the year.  They made a HUGE mistake not trading Kyle Orton when they had the chance.

Jets VS Pats- I can tell you this much.  I do not understand the rules of the NFL anymore.  I used to be able to explain them to bystanders but I literally did not understand the explanation of the Deon Branch fumble reversal.  It’s week 5 and if you haven’t picked up Tom Brady and his fly new haircut yet I don’t know what you are waiting for.

And by special request, Gabrielle Union…..

 

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A Review of Money Ball (Sort of)

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I went to see Money Ball over the weekend. I liked it just fine. The problem was I had read the book and loved the book and nobody in history has ever liked the movie as much as a book they read and enjoyed. I knew this going in. You see Money Ball the book is probably the least interesting topic anyone would ever want to make a movie about. It follows the A’s management team for a few seasons and the strategies they used to evaluate and draft players. It doesn’t end in a glorious victory and the main character is a former player turned GM who has no interesting personality traits whatsoever.

Read the book, or don't it really doesn't matter.

Money Ball the movie loosely follows this premise. A’s GM Billy Beane is there, his assistant Paul Depodesta is there albeit with a different name. The concept of on base percentage being undervalued is a theme that runs through the movie. The scene where Beane pulls of the Rincon trade is a key scene in both and I thought they did a good job showcasing it. Chad Bradford, David Justice and Scott Hattenberg are all characters from the book that are prominently featured in the movie. This is where the issues started for me. Having majored in Film in college I understand the need for central characters that the audience can identify with and follow throughout the film. I just had to ignore the nagging part of my brain that kept saying “THAT NEVER HAPPENED” every 20 minutes of the movie.

Billy Beane seems like a nice enough guy in the book and comes off as very smart but this being Hollywood and Brad Pitt being Brad Pitt, the character has to ooze with charisma, something that Beane doesn’t exactly come off with in the book. They also gave him a daughter who he may or may not have in real life but who is non-existent in the book. Actors like the characters they play to have a “depth” to them and the daughter did that while also helping to create most of the films “awww” moments.

The 2002 baseball amateur draft played a huge part in the book and did not get a mention in the movie until the scene in the end with Jeremy Brown, which actually did happen (although Brown was not nearly that fat in real life). There was no way to include the draft scenes in the movie without bringing it to a screeching halt and causing everyone who isn’t a giant baseball nerd to hate it so I understand its omission.

I think my biggest gripe with the film was that it made it seem like they hired the assistant GM character in 2002 (Jonah Hill in the film and Paul Depodesta in real life) and THAT’S when all the advanced stats stuff started coming into play. In reality this was a gradual thing over many seasons and the 2001 team was also built around this premise.

I think he got the "Oh fuck i shit myself I hope nobody notices" look down pat.

I don’t hate everything about the movie. As a Met fan I enjoyed Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s portrayal of Art Howe, a man who would best be described as underwhelming. Not to pile on Art but I think there’s a reason he hasn’t managed in the Major leagues since the Mets. I enjoyed Pitt’s toned down Lt Aldo Raine accent. Hill and Pitt both did a terrific job and the movie had a few legitimately funny parts to it. Beane’s daughter was good and the part where she sings was a nice touch. Her character was not in the book but this scene fit with the movie that was made.

Killing Nazis and drafting high OBP guys

 

 I think that last line perfectly explains my feelings on this movie. I was never going to love it and I knew that going in. My range of feelings would be “despise it’ to “It was fine”. I love baseball but this movie wasn’t made for me. It was made for people who don’t pour over box scores and obsess over stats and numbers. It was made for the girlfriends and sisters and friends that don’t follow this stuff that closely of the people that read the book. I think in the end my biggest gripe was that the movie was called Money Ball. I think I would have enjoyed “Differently named baseball movie starring Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill”. Calling it Money Ball forces my brain to compare it to what I know Money Ball is and that was a comparison the film would never live up to.

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