Beer Pong, sports trivia, guess the year movie game, fantasy baseball; these are just a few things that I’m better at than you, the reader. We can also include tailgating on this list. There are so many levels of my tailgating “expertise”. I think that is what I find so frustrating about most articles titled “top 10 tailgating tips” and “tailgate like the pros”, all the advice is either blatantly obvious or so incredibly advanced even Bobby Flay wouldn’t attempt to pull it off during a contrived 30 minute special airing before the Super Bowl. Since my evil editor, Damian says I can’t write 3,000 word posts like I want to, I will exclude tips for anyone who successfully tailgates more than 5 times a year. Those will come at another time.
However, if you go to football or weekend baseball games or soccer matches or little league games with oversized parking lots and DON’T bring a grill and a cooler, or maybe you attempt to but end up eating Subway sandwiches because you can’t get the fire started, well, then this article is for you.
Tip 1. Charcoal is king. A charcoal grill is easier and cheaper and tastes better. Heck you don’t even need to buy a grill, four to nine bricks and a small metal grate will do the trick. While I normally don’t recommend lighter fluid for grilling, it’s not a bad bet because NOTHING is worse than not getting the fire going.
Bonus Tip. Bring about 40+ ounces of water either in an empty soda bottle or detergent container. This will put out the charcoal fire you made in step one.
Tip 2. Chairs Chairs Chairs. It’s incredibly awkward to have 2 people sitting on the coolers and everyone else standing because nobody brought any chairs. It leads to the awkward insincere apology every time somebody wants a beer and has to ask somebody else to get up. Just bring one chair per person going and if you don’t have that many chairs bring as many as you have.
Bonus Tip 2. Around this time Wal Mart, Target, Lowes, CVS etc will all have sales on those chairs that fold up and fit into a bag. Purchase a bunch, those are terrific.
Tip 3. A good spot is essential. Every parking lot I’ve ever been in has parking spots near a sidewalk or patches of grass or just a few feet of concrete that isn’t a parking spot. The bigger your non parking area the better. A tree is a bonus.
Bonus Tip 3. Arrive early to procure your good spot. The earlier the better, preferably when the gates open. Heck, feel free to scout the lot next time you are at your stadium of choice.
Tip 4. Following Tip 3 can lead to Tip 4. Beanbag toss, Ladderball, a football, a Frisbee, 2 baseball mitts and ball. Bring 1-2 of these items. They will make the day more fun and give people something to do other than drinking and eating (too much of either before game time is bad news).
Bonus Tip 4. I love Beer Pong but I don’t recommend it. Parking lots are incredibly windy and some stadium security frowns upon it.
Gratuitous picture of hot girls that may or may not be at a tailgate.
Tip 5. Stick to beer unless you have a serious alcohol problem. Bring a garbage bag specifically just to get rid of empties and bring colored solo cups. I’ve found, at least in N.Y., that open containers are an issue but there’s a wink wink policy with solo cups.
Bonus Tip 5. Ice, make sure it’s plentiful in your cooler, basically your cooler should be filled with both beer and ice, a cooler with an extra few bags doesn’t hurt and I recommend when people ask “what can I bring?” that the answer always be ice (and beer, too). Warm beer is shit.
Tip 6. Never make anything you haven’t made before. I believe wholeheartedly in experimenting with grilling but doing so at your tailgate can be disastrous. Burgers and hot dogs are always good, if you don’t have something more exciting that you have made before then try the novel approach of making it the week before and seeing how it turns out. I know, I’m a genius, you can thank me later.
Bonus Tip 6. Prepare everything the night before. Making rubs, marinades or dips at the last minute or, even worse, at the stadium is a recipe for disaster (hooray for puns). If you want to be lame and use a store bought, rub that’s fine, if you want to make your own mix equal parts salt, pepper, chili powder, paprika and garlic powder. You’re welcome.
Tips 7 through 13. Bring a small folding table, bottles of water, Tostitos and salsa are always a hit, freeze burgers as long as possible before grilling, don’t forget tongs and a spatula and spend $1.99 for grill wipes at Home Depot, a clean grill is important but I’m out of space so you will have to trust me on this last one.
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