(via: brobible)

Now that she’s been voted off that Dancing With the Stars garbage, poor Kristin Cavallari has to get back to the very difficult work of getting hernails done, waxing her lady parts and heading out to some expensiverestaurant like she deserves to be considered a celebrity. Poor thing is delusional, but she’s still kind of hot and I’m going to miss watching contraband youtube videos of her shaking her booty with whoever it was she was dancing with. (via: hollywoodtuna)

6) Stealing Mad Wi-Fi Son!

Due to the current popularity of tiny computers and man’s relentless desire to watch nudity absolutely everywhere, Wi-Fi hotspot usage is on the rise. Unfortunately, with that comes the problem of people, knowingly or not, connecting to unsecure wireless networks without permission. It’s not like hacking the freaking Pentagon here — if you’re in public, your computer will automatically look for a signal and, if there’s no security (such as a password) to get online, you can connect to it in seconds.

Almost every state out there has regulations against unlawful access to computers and networks – a third-degree felony that carries with it a prison sentence of at least two years and up to 10 grand in fines. Yes, arrests for stealing Wi-Fi are rare because it’s difficult to catch someone in the act. But don’t go thinking that your Internet habits definitely won’t get you shanked in the prison courtyard someday. We know of at least four cases, from Florida, Illinois, Michigan and Alaska, where people were arrested for using someone else’s wireless Internet.

5) Singing ‘Happy Birthday’ in public.

Did you know that ‘Happy Birthday’ is copyrighted?

You can still sing it legally in the privacy of your own home, and you will probably get away with singing it out in the open, provided that you’re not on a reality TV show. Of course, if you’re anything like most small business owners, you’ll just pay up because you don’t want to face Time Warner in court. Enough of them pay royalties that the song garners a cool $2 million dollars a year in royalties.

4) Use a fake name on the internet.

Using a fake name on the internet may get you arrested and charged with a federal crime like hacking.

It’s the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act again, with its vague wording that you’ve probably violated over and over again in the last 24 hours.

3) Betting with friends.

Weather you have joined in a box pool or Super Bowl pool, it’s illegal.

You see, all those bets you made violated the Illegal Gambling Act of 1970. According to the IGA, any betting that goes against state or local law, involves five or more people and has a revenue of at least $2,000 in one day constitutes an illegal gambling operation, punishable by up to 10 years in prison.

2) Wrote disturbing material.

If you are in between the ages of 16 to 24, writing a disturbing short story, poem or journal on the internet is quite illegal.

Some state laws actually make it illegal to write about things that can freak other people out. Illinois, for example, has regulations against “disorderly conduct,” which usually means stuff like prank calling 911, but can also apply to writing “disturbing fiction.” No, it doesn’t even matter whether you make it public or not. If someone reads something you wrote and finds it reprehensibly soul-poisoning, you may face 30 days of jail time and a $1,500 fine.

1) Owning a permanent marker.

This has to be a lie. Who doesn’t own one of these?

According to basically every anti-graffiti state law out there, it is illegal simply to possess “broad-tipped indelible markers” or “aerosol cans” in a public place, because they can be used to commit acts of vandalism. You can find such regulations all over the United States, from Florida to New York to California, which also make it a crime to buy permanent markers for anyone under 18. California, remember, is a state where it is legal to buy weed if you have a doctor’s note.

(via: cranked)

1) Chad Ochocinco @ochocinco – “Going to get a tall machiato from Starbucks,watch a lil film and listen to Pavarotti until it’s close to curfew time then leave (no cigar)”

2) Terrell Owens @TerrellOwens – “Eff this LA traffic!!!! Sumbody is picking me up next time! My tab rite now is 105.75 and I hvn’t even gotten 2 my damn destination!!!! W…”

3) Stevie Johnson @StevieJohnson13 – “Letting a fart out in a crowd thinkin it won’t smell. Next thing u kno 3 people are dead around you. #YoWhatHappened”

4) Rob Gronkowski @RobGronkowski – “Dolph Lundgren (Ivan Drago from rocky IV) RT @hannah519 My question is, who plays you in a movie about your life?”

5) Marcedes Lewis @MarcedesLewis99 – “Funny how I use to hate when my granny would turn to the ‘Golden Girls’…and now I can actually watch it…these old chics were comedy”

6) Steve Smith @SteveSmithNY – ‘Eagles have a great team as do we. They’ve had our number lately but until you win something major I don’t wanna hear it.”

7) Chris Kluwe @ChrisWarcraft – “Fun practice today. Pretty sure Dorothy blew past at one point. Luckily there was no sign of flying monkeys.”

8) Terrell Thomas @TerrellThomas24 – “Shorts sandals on my day off- check da weather dummy http://twitvid.com/7PIUK”

9) Rey Maualuga @maualuga58 – “Love them Haters! Y’all make my job so easy! Love y’all!”

10) Antonio Cromartie @A_Cromartie31 “U all remember when u was growing up and u would get a spankin by the ppl in your community and then they told on you and u got another one…Now ppl in the community don’t care about nothing but themselves…it’s a crazy crazy world that we live in…”

Ladies night is a sausage fest for guys. In a way, it’s kind of sad ladies going out to have fun and them every guy and their brother is trying to hump these girls. Guys relax.

I understand that ladies night be your chance to get laid, but your crowd-sourcing (big word there) the wrong venue. After a stressful week I just needed a beer and went out with a female friend but god damn!

If you need to get laid so badly, go to Atlantic City or Vegas. Please do not be a sucker for these ladies nights.

What about guys night? Guys should pay less once it a while! It’s a gimmick, and just a cash cow for these bars.

In researching this article I used foursquare to prove my point and I checked in and this is what I got:

1) Fenway Park Located at 4 Yawkey Way. It has served as the home ballpark of the Boston Red Sox club since it opened in 1912, and is the oldest baseball stadium currently in use, as well as being the only of the original standard ballparks still in use. It was a great time being in the Death Star but I, Luke, buried my Yankees hat somewhere. Don’t tell anyone.

2) Cheers Beacon Hill on Beacon Street in Boston/Bull & Finch Pub: The show used the Bull & Finch outside shots of the namesake bar Cheers.

3) Boston Beer Works: Just for the Blueberry Beer.

4) Asgard Irish Pub & Restaurant: Irish theme restauarant where the beers are top-notch and the food is INCREDIBLE. No pic needed.

5) Sam Adams Brewery: For a 2 dollar “donation” you can drink beer. As Charlie Sheen says #winning

]]> http://thebachelorbible.com/im-shipping-off-to-boston/feed/ 0 http://thebachelorbible.com/strip-club-etiquette/ http://thebachelorbible.com/strip-club-etiquette/#comments Mon, 08 Nov 2010 16:30:38 +0000 Craig http://thebachelorbible.com/?p=11816 Ah, the strip club. Every guys home away from home. A place to get away from the nagging wife or girlfriend. It’s our happy place, besides our man-cave. I know some creeps go to strip clubs to find their future wife, but it doesn’t work out like that. Here are some tips so you don’t get your ass kicked by the Michael Strahan looking bouncer.

1) Stay Sober: Nobody likes a mumbling talking idiot or the hopeless romantic who thinks he can sway these women away into a better life.

2) Time is Money: If you don’t keep the dollars, you will be overlooked not by one girl, but all of them. They talk to each other in the back you know. Prepare to use your ATM card if you have to, this is a business and people are looking to make money here.

3) Obey The Rules: Some clubs let you touch but only the hip area. If you are not sure, DON’T TOUCH, unless she tells you it’s ok. Usually if she does its in the back room and you are paying some cash for it.

4) Be Nice: If a certain dancer doesn’t appeal to you, simply smile and say no thank you.

5) TIP: Most girls makes their money backstage in the VIP area so tip as much as possible. Food for thought, dancers are considered independent contractors and have to pay rent for the space they work in.

If you run out of money, go home. There is something called porn.

So once in a while us bachelors need to wine and dine our lady friends in the city and take them to a Broadway show. Some shows are really not for us, we all know that but there are some shows out there that us guys will enjoy also!

1) American Idiot: If you are a Green Day fan then you will surely enjoy this show. This show is the American Idiot CD with a few additional songs but transformed into a Broadway show. It tells the story of Johnnie and his two friends…I will stop right there. Its a must see show on Broadway right now. Please go see it with an open mind.

2) Rock of Ages: The musical features songs from Styx, Journey, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar, Twisted Sister, Steve Perry, Poison and Asia, between other well-known rock bands. It really is a great show if you love music from the 80′s. At one point during the show the crowd actually started to sing along. It’s a rock opera on Broadway that always brings the house down!

3) Million Dollar Quartet: So recently Adam of Avon Junkies saw this play and I was curious on what it was all about and I checked it out and just wow! Million Dollar Quarter is about the recording session that brought together rock ‘n’ roll icons Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis and Carl Perkins for the first and only time. How can you beat that!

4) Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles: A tribute to the Fab Four that uses video and sound projections, Rain follows the Beatles from their first visit to the States till their 1970 breakup. The show features original Beatles songs performed live.

5) Blue Man Group: This play is based around three “main characters” called Blue Men, who appear in black clothing and blue paint over bald caps and play a mixture of percussive instruments. Just get ready for loud music and a rocking good time. Who knows you might even get called to stage to jam with them like my friend Stephanie did!

They say opposites attract, and whoever “they” are, are right. Maybe having too much in common with someone can become boring and routine, so opposites can seem exciting. However, with opposites, differences can (and probably will) turn into arguments. I will admit, sometimes I do enjoy a good argument, especially when I know Iʼm right, but arguing doesnʼt solve ANYTHING. Best thing to do? Compromise, compromise, compromise! If you want any relationship to work, sometimes you just have to suck up your pride and find that happy medium where the both of you are comfortable. If you arenʼt willing to compromise, then you may just have to cut your losses and move on. You canʼt expect your partner to compromise their beliefs/routines/etc. if you arenʼt willing to do the same with yours.

When having this conversation, start off by saying something along the lines of, “I know you arenʼt happy with the way _________is, do you have any suggestions on how we can fix this problem? How about ___________.”

Yes, this might sound a bit text-book boring, but throwing in unnecessary words will only cause more problems. By you being the bigger person and starting off the compromise, it will show that you care and are willing to make things work. Hopefully they will reciprocate.

If not? On to the next one, on to the next one…

1) Eat before you drink: Eat pizza,wings,or some types of bar food to coat your stomach.

2) Remember this: Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, never sicker.

3) Pace yourself: If you are socially drinking with friends don’t pound beers to be a big-shot. Take your time.

4) If you cannot walk or talk straight don’t drive: Call a buddy if needed.

5) If you really are unsure about drinking/driving buy one of these: personal breathalyzer test.

Simple as that. Now I’m off to have another cold one.

When you first begin talking to someone, there is something that must be discussed right away or your in for a roller-coaster ride of bullshit. Either this is just a fling where you will have great sex (hopefully) or you will be dating at some point, where feelings will come into play. Sounds easy right? Well itʼs not. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is assume that the other person wants to be more than, when they donʼt.

This doesnʼt have to be an awkward conversation either. Youʼre both mature adults right? (Yes, even though you play video games for 5 hours after work in your undies, you can still be mature). If you were looking for something more and she isnʼt, then take it for what it is and just enjoy the fun. But there are two rules that you must follow.

1.Donʼt ask questions! You donʼt want to know if sheʼs dating someone else, if she is sleeping with someone else, where she is going or who she is with. It has to be strictly a “Want to come over?” relationship. The more you know, the more you will become needy, get an attitude, jealous and just fuck this up. (Say no all you want, this ALWAYS happens).

2.Donʼt say how you feel! Now normally I would suggest that you always tell someone how you feel about them, but in this case itʼs better to just keep quiet. If you tell her that you are catching feelings, she may run for cover and thatʼs the end of your fun- stress-free relationship.

As long as that boundary isnʼt crossed, tip-toed near or even glanced at you should have no problems.

Here are some quick ideas for a first date:

1) Play video games – PS3, Wii, Xbox 360, it doesn’t matter. If your date is into video games, it might be time for some Street Fighter Turbo or some Wii Boxing.

2) Visit a new restaurant – New restaurants pop up all the time. Take 5-10 new restaurants put them in a hat and pick one out and go to it. It’s a gamble but worth the shot.

3) Eat in at your/her place- Ask before doing it but if she clears it, just order in.

4) The Aquarium/Zoo- Who doesn’t like the zoo? I am scared of snakes, but they are locked away. Show interest in all the animals.

5)Meet up for a drink- Harmless. If it doesn’t work out, you can leave it there and just move on.Who knows, she might stay around for dinner.

Make yourself some sandwiches, grab some drinks, snacks, and have a picnic. Park your asses under a tree at the park on a blanket and have some lunch. Go for a walk around the park after or bring a ball and toss it around.

Museums are usually free or they ask for a small donation. For $5 you can walk around and pretend to or actually learn something, or do what I do and make fun of everything (this includes the other people in the museum).

Nothing creates physical attraction like competition. Go to the bowling alley or pool hall. for $5 a game and some drinks you canʼt go wrong! (Letting her win a game or two canʼt hurt either.

If your a bit shy, ask if her if she would be okay for a group date. Have her bring a friend and their other while he does the same. This is a great way to help keep away that awkward first date silence. Board games like Taboo, Sharades, and ImaginIF can be a really great time. Have some brews and some laughs. When the games are done, ask her to stay around for a bit to help “clean up.”

If your a good cook, or even a decent one (this does not include making bitchin hot pockets), invite her over and make dinner together. Try something that youʼve never made before, or ask her what her favorite meal is and buy the ingredients before hand. This is a fun way to learn how to do something together, and learn about each other in the process!

So I’m going to school you on some simple bachelor etiquette that should help you close the deal (na-mean, na-mean).

1. When you pick her up don’t text her and say “I’m here.”

2. That’s fine when your picking up your homies to go on your bro-date but not when your trying to convince a girl that she won’t be wasting the next few hours with you.
3. Once you get to the restaurant pull her chair out for her. It’s a nice gesture that says “Sit down and enjoy this meal with me.” It will make her think your trying to do more than get into her pants (even though I’m sure you do).
4. Your not out on your bro-date, so start a conversation about something other than sports, booze, and how you just beat your prior kill streak on COD. Trying to sound intelligent can’t hurt either. I’m not telling you to sound like Einstein or pull some Shakespeare out of your ass, but try and have a somewhat stimulating conversation.
5. As previously mentioned, burping is a no-no. She isn’t going to be impressed that you can belch the alphabet because I’m sure her younger brother can, so don’t bother bringing that up either. This goes hand-in-hand with chewing with your mouth closed. She can see your food on your plate, she doesn’t need to see it in your mouth.

Simple right? I tell no lies. Hopefully you were a polite but not boring bachelor and you’ve managed to score a second date. If not, then stop and pick up a 6-pack on your way home and drink it off. There’s always next time, and practice makes perfect right?

OK, it’s Friday night and you want to get drunk, but you don’t have a lot of cash. This used to be a problem, but not anymore because today we are going to learn how to get shit-faced without spending a lot of money.

Step 1 is to pre-game. We all know it, we’ve all done it, now it’s time to practice it regularly. You know how this works, pound a couple of drinks before you leave the house and I suggest to go as far as mixing up a coffee cup for the road. Just don’t go nuts, you want to be able to walk when you get to the bar. You’re about to leave your house and there is just one thing left to take care of, flasks. If you have them, fill ‘em, as many as you can conceal. If you don’t, your fucked, maybe next time. Let’s go out.

Mission accomplished, you’ve reached your destination. A little juiced-up and with pockets full of boozes. Time to order a drink. For your first drink, you should always order something you can drink fast, so nothing straight, try a mixed drink. The reason why you want to drink this fast is so the ice doesn’t melt and you can pour the contents of your flask into the glass. That ice should last you two or three pours before you have to go back up for another drink. Take your time with the second one, no rush, because if your human you should already be drunk at this point. Once you finished, treat yourself to one more pour and then it is time to take it to the next level.

You look around and see your friends pounding shots to get drunk fast. This is not an option for you. So to keep up with their level of partying, you must take extreme measures. Go to the bar and order a Red Bull or any energy drink. Pound that son-of-a-bitch and start moving. If there’s a dance floor, dance. If there is a staircase, run up it. I don’t care if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and do jumping jacks, do what ever you have to do to get your heart pumping and that booze in your blood stream. At this point, your head will probably start spinning, don’t worry, you’re fine. Reconvene with your friends and commence partying. The bad news is, your probably out of money by this point. The good news is, your probably too drunk to care what anyone thinks so just start drinking out of your flasks. You should have enough in there to keep you moving at their pace. Keep in mind, one or more of these drunk idiots will probably buy you a drink. If not, chug your home brought booze until you run out or get kicked out of the bar for pissing on a stranger. Good Luck.

Hosting the Super Bowl has it’s pros and cons. For example, the food could get costly, but at least you’ll like everything there is to eat. Beer could get expensive, so make sure you put in place a strict BYOB rule. The biggest benefit of hosting the big game is if your a fan, you can get trashed, enjoy yourself and not have to worry about driving home. The only thing that sucks is the clean up after the game. Now, if you don’t like football, then eat a fu**ing dick, read something else. I’m sure one of the girls on this site wrote something interesting about their monthly cycle. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to keep you as readers, but this is obviously not for you, so until next week, I’m sure you can keep yourself busy by watching Waiting To Exhale for the 5000th time.

Moving on, let’s talk about a few things you could do to make sure that your party this Sunday is the best it can be. For starters, hosting the Super Bowl is not like hosting a normal Man-Day. Unlike Man-Day, women will be allowed to attend this party, but there are rules.

1. They must do their best to remain as quiet as possible throughout the game.
2. If you or any other guest is under the impression that a woman presence in the room is directly affecting the outcome of the game, then she will quietly be escorted to the bathroom and instructed to wait there for the duration of the game. When all bathrooms are full, you can use the laundry room.
3. If you ask your girlfriend or wife to grab you a beer or food and she says “Do it yourself I’m watching the game,” you then have the right to ask her to name five starting players on each side of the ball and if she cannot answer, see rule 2.
4. If your girlfriend or wife is put in the bathroom by a friend of family member, she cannot give you shit about it.
5. If one of your girlfriends annoying single friends are there and is acting like a jacka$$, you can try to get her in the bathroom, but if she won’t go, scream at her and make fun of her physical appearance until she cries and never wants to talk to your girlfriend again.
6. After the game, if your girlfriend or wife makes any comment along the lines of “I don’t like the way you and your friends act when football is on. I don’t think she should ever do the Super Bowl here again.” Break-up with her!

Alright, now that you know these rules, the rest is fairly simple. Drink a lot of beer, eat all the wings, dip, and under-cooked meat your heart desires. And most importantly, enjoy the game, because when that clock hits zero and the confetti has all fallen, your Sundays will become nothing more than a shitty day before you have to go back to work. And it will be seven long months until the next time you and your friends can sit down together, crack open a beer, and watch kick-off.

Ok, it’s Friday night and your about to hit the town. There is going to be a lot of girls out, but don’t be nervous, I’ve prepared you for this. Your outfit is fresh, and you walk out of your bachelor’s pad, ready to fill up the contact list on your hoe phone. Now that I’m done self plugging, we can move on. (HA, that link wasn’t even in context. I’m awesome. Anyway.)

Seriously now, all joking aside, I don’t care what anyone says. One of the hardest things in the world to do is walking up to a complete stranger in a bar and saying hello. But as hard as we both know this is, it must be done. It is literally, the only way to start a conversation with a woman. If you glance at a girl, and see she is glancing back at you, do not hesitate because the staring game is only cute for about 13 seconds. Just walk over and say hello. DO NOT USE pick-up lines, or immediately offer to buy her a drink. It’s simple, just say, “Hi, my name is _______. How are you?” And trust me, if she is in to you, she will more than likely do all the talking from that point on.

Ok, new scenario. Your out with your peeps, and you happen to take interest in a girl who is hanging out within your circle of friends that night. Your chance of success has become significantly greater, because the awkward introduction was taken care of for you by your mutual friend. Do not be shy. If she is in your group, you have free reign to speak to her when ever you like. Just make sure you get there before someone else does. So if your starting to get a vibe, like she might be into you, just wait for that one moment when it appears that everyone is engaged in conversation except you and her, lean over and say, “So what do you do?” One you get her talking, keep her talking. Believe me, there is nothing that a woman loves more then the thought of a guy who is willing to sit a listen to her babble about the 7 million trivial, meaningless events that went on during her work week. But, make sure you really listening, because listening will make it a lot easier for you to involve your opinions on her mindless babble, making you a part of the story. That will give you countless opportunities to make her laugh, and making her laugh will give her countless reasons to give you her number.

Alright champ, I’m going to give you one more basic scenario and then you are on your own. This one I like to call ‘the hit or miss.’ It’s when you come into close contact with a random girl in a public setting. Example: store, coffee shop, fast food joint, etc. (You get the point). This is a tricky one. The up side is, your not in a bar so you don’t have any competition. The down side is, trying to hit on a chick on her way to work doesn’t always end so pretty. So my recommendation is, go balls to the wall, check your shame at the door, and take nothing she says to heart.

The key to this interaction is the way you open it. You’ve got to strike fast, you’ve got to strike hard, and you’ve got to strike funny. For example, the next you and a hot chick are approaching a counter at the same time, look over to her and say, “Hey, cut me in line if I’m the cutest guy you’ve seen all day.” If she does it, look to the person behind the counter and say, “My coffee’s on her. Thanks, I’m _____ by the way.” If she laughs and doesn’t cut you, say “That sucks, should I try again tomorrow morning?”  and no matter what she says, you respond with “Well, you called me ugly, can you at least tell me your name?” And if she does, you turn to the person behind the counter and say, “Hey, so and so said my coffee is on her.”  9 times out of 10, this shit will probably not work. But it’s always fun to do, and you never know, you might be talking to that one girl who is waiting for something random to happen to brighten up her day.

Ok, that’s all for this weeks episode of ‘I need someone else to teach me how to grow up.’ I hope the advice I’ve given helps you, and remember, hit or miss, win or loose, do it with confidence, and do it with style. The more girls you talk to, the better you’ll get at it. So never stop trying.

Love, Brendan

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

I often find that many single guys I know are pretty bad at entertaining women. This is why they are doomed to loneliness. Far too often, a buddy will come to me, looking to recap “what he did wrong” during his first date, and I always end up telling them that they did everything wrong.

First, we need to understand how the first date works. The first date is totally unique when compared to all others. It is merely a test given by both sides to see if you can spend a small amount of time with someone and actually have fun. The date NEEDS to be light and active. None of this heavy convo stuff, just some laughs, a few smiles and actually having some stuff to do.

Have something planned

Chicks DO NOT want to sit in your crappy car while you both figure out what you are in the mood to do. You might think “I don’t want to impose on her, I’ll just see what she wants to do.” WRONG. She doesn’t care about what you two do, she just wants to see if she likes you or not. My standard first date is planned as follows: Activity, Light Eats, Coffee, Home.

Activity:
This can be anything where you are not passively engaged. That means no movies, theatre, TV, concerts, or anything else where you are “watching” something. You two need to hang out, not sit in the same room. I suggest Mini-Golf, Bowling, Pool, or Ice Skating. The activity should last no more than an hour and a half. (BUT: be sure to make sure she’s happy. If she looks bored, get out of there and go grab a bite. Also, don’t ask her if she’s having fun, just read her body language, idiot.)

Note: This has a double purpose. Aside from actually doing something, it’s a great place to build that physical tension. Blood Pumping status on the real.

Light Eats:
Okay, this gets hairy. You don’t want to take her to a five-star restaurant for a six course meal, but you also don’t want to hit up Wendy’s Value Menu. Find a nice café, or food place that does appetizers. DON’T order a steak, just get some finger foods. You’ll share them and chat during the meal. Forks and knifes = conversation killer, as you will be focused on eating, and she will be self-concious about looking fat in front of you. Applebee’s (or any other chain place) is not really much better than Wendy’s, so you may have to do some research. DON’T Get coffee/dessert here. ALSO: DO NOT GET DRUNK. (Actually, limit yourself to TWO drinks MAX.)

Coffee:
This is where stuff get’s fun. If the date has been going well so far, you can seriously just say “Let’s grab a coffee real quick. You don’t mind Dunkin Donuts/Starbucks/WaWa right?” Seriously. You just left an intimate setting, why make another? Get out there and be a little public. It’s also a good chance to “play couple” and have some fun. (If the date goes a bit wonky, well you may need to isolate the date to a quieter/darker place. If it’s really bad, end the night here and cut your losses.)

You want to avoid getting drinks or being touchy-feely. Coffee is a perfect time to gauge her feelings towards the evening. If she seems like she’s up for some more fun, try to figure out a late night activity (this can be a bar, but try to avoid it). Do something silly and childish. It makes them feel like they are in a shitty Rom-Com.

Home:
Don’t push your luck buddy. A nice smooch on the cheek is fine when you walk her to her door. If you played your cards right, she’ll invite you in for a little game of “blueballs or not: you decide” which is a lot like Taboo, in where you have to get to the point without saying certain words. If you aren’t invited back in, don’t stress it. Call her the next day and tell her you had fun.

Okay, this is officially TL;DR but hopefully my use of Bold and Italics helped. now, go use this info and score some first date pussy!

Dear Brendan:

I recently started dating a girl, and I think it is getting pretty serious. I really like her a lot but we had a fight the other day after she saw a text convo I had with a girl I used to date. She told me I needed to stop talking to all the girl I’ve dated in the past if our relationship is going to work. I don’t want to screw this up, but at the same time, some of these girls have become friends and I would feel bad about cutting them out of my life. What should I do?

Well Billy, I know it sounds harsh but your problem is not an uncommon one. Sometimes women have a habit of being incredibly insecure. And in all fairness, you would probably be upset if she was talking to some guy that she used to play backseat rodeo with. And even though all hope seems to be lost, I think I could help you. Billy, what you need is a ‘Hoe Phone.’ A hoe phone is a pre-paid phone that your girlfriend should never know about.  Have you ever heard about men having hidden bank accounts? Well imagine this as your hidden skank account.

It’s real simple. You get your hoe phone and on that phone, you send a text message to every girl you would like to secretly keep in contact with, telling them that this is your new number. You then erase them from your primary phone, proving to your girlfriend what a stand-up guy you are. And never ever, check that phone in front on your girlfriend. It does not exist. Your friends do not know about it, your family does not know about it. And every girl you meet from this point on, will go in this phone only. The hoe phone is reserved completely for hoe’s. If you follow these instructions, your problem is solved.

An added bonus, when a girl in your life knows you have a girlfriend and agrees to call you on a private line that only you and her know about, she is more than likely willing to do a lot of other things that only you and her know about.

Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.

Every week we’ll be offering some tips on how to be a better bachelor. We’ll be showing you how to get through that “I live off X-Box, Patron, and Ramen” stage a little easier. This week I’ll be showing you a few beers that you should know that’ll really knock some socks off, and a few that you should avoid.

Now I know you all think you are some kind of Beer Connoisseur because you like Guinness and Magic Hat, but let’s be real, you don’t know shit.

Mexican Beer
You could always be “that guy” and get a Dos Equis, but come on, let’s be a little different….

Corona

Seriously?  What are you an idiot? Have you ever even tasted a Corona?
Here’s what drinking a Corona says: “I’m sick of Coors Light.” Do you want people thinking you drink Coors Light?
I’d suggest:

Sol

It’s just as light as a Corona, but without the “piss soaked corn” flavor.  If you are at a Mexican joint without Sol, leave.

I also recommend Tecate,  Negro Modelo, and El Presidente (which is not really mexican, but who’s counting.)

German Beer
Germans make the best beer. Period. Helvetica. Period.
You cant really go wrong with a German brew, here are some faves:

Spaten Optimator

This beer is a bit dark and VERY VERY strong. The name alone is enough to knock you on your ass. Make sure you get this beer on tap.  A pint glass is always better looking than swigging from a bottle. NOTE: any beer in the Spatan family is worth drinking.

Franzizkaner

This is a sweeter wheat beer. This beer, like most German beers, is great for a chilly evening. You wont really want to chugging this beer though, it can hit your stomach pretty hard.

Warsteiner

This is a lighter German beer, but it’s still more delicious than any light beer I’ve ever drank.

American “Specialty” Beers
DRINK: Bluepoint, Sam Adams, Anchor Steam, Sierra Nevada, Brooklyn Brewery.
DON’T DRINK: Yuengling, Blue Moon, Magic Hat, Killians Irish Red.

Canadian Beers
Canadian beers are some of the most over rated beers in the world. Seriously, they are of such high quality, and are of a high quality. If you had to pick ONE, go with Moosehead. Molson is good, but not really.

Other Beers to Drink
Without going on and on about the topic, here are some other beers you NEED to try; Birra Moretti (Italian), Red Stripe (Jamacian), Smithwicks (Irish), Duvel (Belgian).

If you are going to take anything away from this post let it be this. TRY DIFFERENT BEERS IN DIFFERENT BARS. If your local watering hole offers 2 types of beer, find a better watering hole. Some of these beers might be a little more pricey than your Miller Lite, but come on, bars are more than a place to get drunk at, it’s a place to show off. So spend the extra buck, get a better beer, and impress some ladies with your delicate tastes. They eat it the fuck up.