Denver VS Miami- We turned this game on with about 6 minutes left and the score 15-0. At that point one of the announcers made a comment that it looked like Tony Sparano would be celebrating his first win of the year. Then Tim Tebow led the Broncos on a touchdown drive and a Miami player fumbled the onside kick and I declared to anyone who would listen; “Tebow is going to lead them on a touchdown drive right now and then run in the 2 point conversion”. Sure enough this happened and a few minutes later the Dolphins fumbled on their own side of the field and Matt Prater kicked a 52 yard field goal to win the game. Tebowmania will be in full effect this week. The Broncos will lead off PTI on Monday, they will get multiple segments on Sports Center and tons of sports columnists will write some variation of “Tim Tebow didn’t have great stats, he just came up big when it mattered the most”. The lesson will be, the difference between heroes and goats can be less than 6 minutes.
Houston VS Tennessee- I wonder if the Titans are looking into getting Chris Johnson’s new contract voided. In retrospect that deal has been a train wreck combined with a train wreck that had a plane crash into it on top of a live volcano. In other premier running back news, Arian Foster is due for a gigantic contract that his team ultimately regrets.
Seattle VS Cleveland- The Indians defeated the Mariners 6-3. Travis Hafner touched up Felix Hernandez for two home runs and… oh, this was a football contest? I had no idea. I’m sorry, we watched none of this game.
Atlanta VS Detroit- With Javid Best out the Lions have no running game. They also have no real receiving threats other than Super Duper Megatron. This is evident by the fact that their only touchdown in this game was a classic Matt Stafford throw ball far, Calvin Johnson catch ball and get touchdown. It seems the rest of the league has caught up to their very one dimensional offensive strategy. Also Matt Ryan injured his ankle on one play and bent it so awkwardly everyone watching thought he had broken it and 2 people watching with me actually vomited a bit. He’s a football player so he’s tough and came back and played with the bone sticking out.
Washington VS Carolina- So after 2 weeks of Ryan Torain getting the lion’s share of the rushing workload, this week Mike Shanahan decided to feature Tim Hightower. Of course he did, Mike Shannahan hates fantasy players so much you would think Erick Karabell fucked his wife. Also Cam Newton is really fucking good and I continue to be amazed by the fantasy resurgence of Steve Smith who has now put to rest any discussion of who the “real Steve Smith” truly is.
San Diego VS Jets- The Jets are a team with some obvious flaws. They can’t generate a pass rush without blitzing, other than Revis nobody in their secondary has above average coverage skills, they don’t have the quarterback to be a full out pass first team and they lack a premier running back that goes along with being a run first team. These aren’t meant to hurt the feelings of Jet fans, they are just a neutral observers opinion from having watched 75% of their plays this year. However this week the football gods gave them a present in the form of the Chargers. The Chargers for the last 5 years under Norv Turner have made a habit of handing winnable games to inferior teams. The Chargers have more talent than the Jets but stayed true to their colors and blew a game they should have won by double digits.
I think this picture says it all
Pittsburgh VS Arizona- The Steelers are very good. Obviously Big Ben read my column last week and wondered why he wasn’t included in the greatest quarterback alive discussion so he threw for 600 yards and 7 touchdowns this week. The Cardinals are not very good. Kevin Kolb might have also ready my column last week but unfortunately he is fucken terrible. I’m sure Arizona’s front office is looking through their paperwork trying to see if they can somehow void their trade of multiple draft picks, a pro bowl cornerback, 18 free games of shuffleboard at the Golden Edge retirement community and a bunch of sand for Kevin Kolb.
Dallas VS St Louis- Welcome to the Demarco Murray era. It will be everything people thought the Felix Jones era would be. Also, the Sam Bradford era has temporarily been put on hold and Josh McDaniels is probably updating his resume at half time by this point.
KC VS Oakland- Kyle Boller threw 3 interceptions so naturally the Raiders pulled him in place of their shiny new QB toy that they overpaid drastically for. Carson Palmer then one upped him by throwing 3 interceptions in about half as much time. It’s good to have the Raiders back to being the mess of the NFL. I didn’t enjoy the last few weeks where they were winning games and looking like a threat to win their division. This Carson Palmer trade is going to go down as one of the worst trades in NFL history. It’s the Roy Williams trade on steroids.
Green Bay VS Minnesota- One of my friends called Christian Ponder Curtis Painter like 5 times. Luckily for Minnesota, Ponder looked nothing like Painter. He was poised and made big throws and didn’t look like he crapped his pants on the field. If I was a Vikings fan I would be upset that Donovan McNabb’s corpse ever seen the field this season. Adrian Peterson was so excited to be receiving handoffs from a real QB that he rushed for 347 yards in this game. Unlike quarterback, there is no discussion at the running back position, All Day has the belt for greatest back alive, that is unless Barry Sanders un-retires. However the Packers still won because Aaron Rodgers is better at throwing footballs than you are at anything.
This week, a special request; Mila Kunis
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