Bills VS Pats- This game was awesome. The Beard defeated the Golden Boy. Back and forth scoring, a ton of Tom Brady turnovers, lots of fantasy implications and a pretty colossal upset. I imagine this was the best day this century in Buffalo; the Bills beat the Pats to move into first place and it didn’t snow. Now that they are in first place maybe the Bills can work on taking a knee because they managed to almost fuck that up twice. I know I told you guys the last 2 weeks but you should all go and pick up Tom Brady in your fantasy league. He had like 30 points this week and might not be available much longer.
No Ryan, don't let creepy handle bar mustache man cut it!
Titans VS Broncos- Kenny Britt had replaced Chris Johnson as the team’s scariest playmaker. Unfortunately much like Chris Johnson he decided to get hurt. Wait, Chris Johnson isn’t hurt? He’s perfectly healthy; Bollocks! As far as Denver goes, wake me up when Tim Tebow is starting.
Ravens VS Rams- I started a fire and cooked 7 hamburgers and in that time the Ravens scored three touchdowns. All 3 were thrown to a T. Smith which one of my friends decided was former Heisman winning quarterback Troy Smith. We actually believed a former 5’11 quarterback had caught 3 touchdown passes. Upon further review it was Torrey Smith who scored all those touchdowns. Torrey Smith is going to be picked up in your fantasy league this week. In an unrelated note he is also apparently Agent Smith from the Matrix. He can turn into anybody he wants at anytime.
He scored a bunch of touchdowns today
Chargers VS Chiefs- Initially we thought Ryan Matthews scored two touchdowns this week. Upon further review it was Torrey Smith who scored them. I told you he was Agent Smith. Agent Torrey Smith saved Norv Turner from blowing this game and causing me to fly to San Diego and murder him.
Dolphins VS Browns- I think Chad Henne rushed for a touchdown in this game but I can’t be sure because nobody outside of Miami and Cleveland watched any of this game. Maybe Agent Smith scored again.
Saints VS Texans- Much like the Pats/Bills game this game is why we get the football package. High scoring back and forth shootout with about 15 fantasy relevant players and a game that was close until the last minute. The play that stuck out the most was a catch by Kevin Walter that hit off 3 other players and at one point the ball was moving sideways and landed in the hands of Kevin Walter who immediately said “oh shit I have the ball” and remembered that when one catches the ball he runs towards the end zone with it. He scored the touchdown all of Andre Johnson’s owners wish he had scored.
Lions VS Vikings- There was one play in this game where Ndamukong Suh busted threw the line and almost sacked McNabb before he handed the ball off, somehow Adrian Peterson received the handoff avoided tacklers and then delivered the second most punishing stiff arm of the day. He literally stiff armed the defender and threw him back 4 yards, stared at the defender on the floor and then instead of running out of bounds he did a spin move and ran over another defender. Sadly this won’t even make Sports Center because the play was negated by a holding call. I think refs should be able to pick up penalty flags on truly extraordinary plays. Two other notes on this game. Matt Stafford still throws ball really, really far. Oh and Calvin Johnson is beyond Megatron at this point. He’s like that super Megatron that combines with all the other Decepticons.
This is 2011 Calvin Johnson
Panthers VS Jags- This game looked like the game from Any Given Sunday that was played in the rain machine from A Perfect Storm.
Thats Cam Newton in there, trust me
Raiders VS Jets- I will let Kara take this one: expletive deleted, expletive deleted, expletive deleted, expletive deleted, expletive deleted.
Bengals VS 49ers- We paid extra for this game to be blocked from DIRECT TV. This annoyed my friend Matt who gave us constant updates on Frank Gore’s lack of fantasy stats.
Seahawks VS Cards- On one play Kevin Kolb ran around in a circle to avoid being sacked and then flung the ball in the general direction of the end zone and Larry Fitzgerald literally out leapt 2 defenders and caught the ball. This play hasn’t worked since NFL 2K1.
Packers VS Bears- This game had the strangest play I’ve ever seen happened. The Packers punted the ball down the right sideline but Devin Hester, the Bears kick returner pretended to catch the ball on the left side of the field so all the Packers coverage team ran over to Hester. It was so confusing the cameraman fucked up and showed us Hester. Johnny Knox then caught the punt on the other side of the field and returned it for a touchdown. I feel like this is some shit that would happen in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Unfortunately the touchdown was called back because of holding once again proving that awesome plays should trump penalties as unfair as that may be.
Lovie Smith must have watched this movie for play call ideas
Giants VS Eagles- wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Ahmad Bradshaw beat Adrian Peterson for the best stiff arm of the day when he stiff armed the Eagles safety and basically threw him to the ground. Brandon Jacobs caught a pass without deflating the ball and even scored a touchdown. Victor Cruz took a break from being a clown and making me a bicycle to make an amazing touchdown catch. Lastly the Giants got revenge for all Rottweilers everywhere by breaking Michael Vick’s hand. Simple math: Giants=good, Eagles=evil.
Say hello to Kate Upton who is clearly the Bachelor Bible girl of the week
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