Giants VS Dolphins- This game summed up the experience of being a Giant fan the last 7 years perfectly. The Giants were playing an overmatched 0-6 team with a lame duck coach and the immortal Matt Moore at quarterback. Needless to say the Giants fell behind early and were lucky to pull out a win at home. The Dolphins are bad, this is news to no one. They can’t move the ball downfield and if they were playing any team but the Giants, running the ball would have been impossible because the Dolphins two best plays were “Reggie Bush running like he did in NCAA06 the video game” and “Matt Moore scampers for 8 yards because he can’t find an open receiver”. In the end the Giants won the game because talent wins most of the time and the Giants despite their many flaws are the more talented team. There is a reason they are leading their division and the Dolphins are 9 weeks away from completing their Andrew Luck destiny.
Rams VS Saints- The Saints were 7 days removed from hanging 200 points on the Colts while the Rams are winless and coming into the game with A.J. Feely playing quarterback. Obviously this game ended with the Rams winning by two touchdowns because why would anything that happens week to week in the NFL make any sense? In related news Steven Jackson made the scariest face I’ve ever seen. I included a picture of him, you just have to imagine the man in the picture howling like a werewolf.
That is a bad man
Vikings VS Panthers- This game was the opposite of the Rams VS Saints. I could have written the recap of this game 2 days ago. Cam Newton is on pace to be the greatest QB in NFL history, Steve Smith has recaptured the title of best WR under 5’9 however the Vikings won because Adrian Peterson is so fucken good he currently occupies all of the spots in the top 5 running backs in the world list. In fact said list looks like this.
- Adrian Peterson
- Adrian Peterson
- All Day (Adrian’s nickname)
- Adrian’s alter ego Smooth Lester Brown
- Adrian Peterson
Apologies to Lesean McCoy, Arian Foster, Jamal Charles, Steven Jackson and Chris Johnson’s corpse.
Titans VS Colts- Speaking of Chris Johnson’s corpse… This isn’t even funny anymore, have we sent Chris to the doctor? Are we sure this isn’t a weekend at Bernie’s situation? Someone locate Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. Oh and the Titans won and ran a really cool running play involving wide receiver Nate Washington.
Maybe the Titans need to play a salsa song during the game
Baltimore VS Arizona- I know what Raven’s fans are going through with Joe Flacco. The Giants went through a similar thing at the start of Eli Manning’s career. The defense is first class and the offense has playmakers but the whole team hinges on the growing pains of a young QB prone to making mistakes. The first half was a disaster for the Ravens. It might as well been the 5th and 6th quarters of the Ravens offensive abortion against the Jaguars Monday night. At halftime I’m sure Raven fans were hatching a plan to kidnap Flacco and researching Maryland state law to see what kind of jail time comes with kidnapping a grown man. Alas though, this was a tale of 2 halves and Raven’s fans (and the thousands of people who picked Baltimore in their Survivor pools) were granted a present in the form of Kevin Kolb and the Arizona Cardinals. The Cardinals somehow blew a 3 score lead to a team with under 150 yards of total first half offense. Kevin Kolb threw for about 15 yards in the second half and Larry Fitzgerald went home and killed a hooker to blow off steam.
Texans VS Jags- I slept through most of this game. I’m told the Texans won and the Arian Foster is really good.
Buffalo VS Washington- The Beard is back! Ryan Fitzpatrick hasn’t shaved all season and has the start of what is only 11-35 months away from being a glorious man beard once again.
Detroit VS Denver- The return of Matt Stafford throw ball far. Welcome back Matt Stafford throw ball far, we missed you. I’m sure every expert who doesn’t believe Tim Tebow will succeed will use this game as proof that he will never be a good NFL QB. These people may ultimately end up being right. However let’s not rush to judgment until Tebow plays with ONE skill position player who is above average. His best running back is No Show Moreno and his best wide receiver is about 5’4. A lot of young QBs would struggle in his situation. Also he has a winning smile no homo.
49ers VS Browns- Frank Gore is really upset he wasn’t included in the best running backs list. So mad in fact he torched the Browns for about 315 yards in anticipation of being left off the list. Rumors that the Browns actually scored in this game are unsubstantiated.
Bengals VS Seahawks- I was forced to watch this game when every other late game was at halftime. If you are unfamiliar with A.J. Green please become acquainted with the NFL’s next great wide out. He is so good he makes his ginger quarterback Andy Dalton look good. Also I think I heard that Pacman Jones played in this game and scored a touchdown but I might have been asleep and dreamt that.
Steelers VS Patriots- Reports of the demise of the Steeler’s Defense have been greatly exaggerated. The Steel Curtain demolished Tom Brady and limited the vaunted Pats offense to just 17 points. They pressured Brady, jammed his receivers and basically turned their running game non-existent. Meanwhile Ben Rothlisberger orchestrated multiple scoring drives, mixing power running with long passes. Congrats Steelers, you have the target on your back as the team to beat in the AFC. Try to hold onto it for longer than a week.
This week, topical hot chick Bibi Jones
Good for you Rob Gronkowski!
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