Jets VS Buffalo- This game was ugly. At one point at the end of the first half the 2 teams had 3 turnovers and a missed field goal in about a 2 minute span. However this Jets team is made to win ugly and they absolutely shutdown Bachelor Bible favorite Ryan Fitzpatrick who threw for about 85 yards the entire game until leading a late touchdown drive in garbage time. The AFC East is now a 3 way tie between the Jets, Pats and Bills. “You’re Welcome Jet fans”- Eli Manning
Miami VS Kansas City- The Dolphins have been the dregs of the NFL all season but on this day the Dolphins looked like world beaters. Matt Moore looked more like Tom Brady than Brady on Sunday. Reggie Bush for the second week in a row looked like Reggie Bush in NCAA06. Their defense looked like the 85 Bears, mostly because Matt Cassel is terrible and the Chiefs offense doesn’t have one player with an 80 total rating in Madden. This paragraph broke the record for most football video game references in Bachelor Bible history. Congrats on your first win Dolphins, you win a copy of NFL Gameday courtesy of Bachelor Bible.
Does anyone know Tony Sparano's mailing address?
Dallas VS Seattle- The Cowboys didn’t want to win this game. They threw interceptions, fumbled away touchdowns on the goal line and gave up points to the awful Seahawks offense. However the Seahawks are epically awful so the Cowboys won by double digits and sportswriters everywhere will write how Tony Romo is a winner this week.
Falcons VS Colts- Julio Jones had 2 catches in the first half and both were long touchdown passes. On one play Matt Ryan literally just threw the ball as far as he could to the end zone at 3 different Colts defensive backs and Julio Jones somehow ended up with the ball. This led to speculation that the Colts are so bad they have white defensive backs which if true diminishes this catch.
New Orleans VS Tampa- The last team to win a Super Bowl without an elite quarterback were the Steelers back in 2006. Rothlisberger had yet to develop into an elite QB and the team won mostly on the strength of its defense and running game (and the help of the officials if you ask everyone in Seattle). The last 5 years have shown that if you want to win a Super Bowl you need an elite QB. You cannot win a Super Bowl anymore without a passing game capable of flinging the ball around the field and big play receivers. I bring this up because this game illustrates perfectly between the “haves” and the “have nots” of the NFL. The Saints are “haves”, they have Drew Brees and a litany of big play threats including Darren Sproles, Jimmy Graham and Marquis Colsten. The Bucs do not have. Josh Freeman is a perfectly fine quarterback but he isn’t at the upper echelon yet. Furthermore his best WR is Mike Williams’ corpse which truth be told is highly productive for being a corpse but is below average overall. The Saints won this game because they have an elite QB who isn’t throwing to corpses and receivers less effective than a corpse.
San Fran VS Washington- I heard Frank Gore had like 187 yards in this game. I can’t confirm this fact because this was the winner of this week’s “Game we didn’t even try to watch, not even a little bit”
Houston VS Cleveland- Arian Foster and Ben Tate had over 100 yards in this game. So did Derrick Ward, Ahman Green, Steve Slaton, Ron Dayne and David Carr. The Browns had nobody rush for 100 yards in this game because Peyton Hillis is taking the “Madden Curse” to all new levels this year. Has anyone ever gone from the cover of Madden to not in the game the next season?
Every Giant fan just threw up a little
Denver VS Oakland- It’s biggest Tebow time, it’s biggest Tebow time, it’s daddy’s favorite religious, lightening rod quarterback, it’s daddy’s favorite religious lightening rod quarterback. In all seriousness the Tebow rollercoaster is going up this week. We will hear from all the Tebow supporters this week and everyone who called him “a joke” last week will be suddenly quiet. Then next week if the Chiefs rebound and shut him down and intercept a few of his poorly thrown balls than the new narrative will be, “wow look how awful he is”. Tim Tebow is a young quarterback with a strange throwing motion and moderate arm strength who didn’t get all the first team reps in a shortened preseason and is playing with a below average wide receiving core and a coach who learned about this thing called “the forward pass” about 7 months ago. Let’s wait a few SEASONS before we crucify him or anoint him for sainthood. In a related note Carson Palmer is still terrible.
Rams VS Cardinals- This game ended on a 99 yard punt return by Patrick Peterson aka Ed Reed 2.0. That’s all you need to know.
Can we get Patrick Peterson on a good team please?
Chargers VS Packers- Bachelor Bible has been pimping Aaron Rodgers as “Best QB Alive” for weeks now. The hype has gotten so out of control that somebody on Sports Center said that he is playing better than Peyton Manning, Tom Brady or Joe Montana has ever played. This may be true and Aaron Rodgers has the belt but please do not for one second get it twisted. If John Elway played today he would pass for 500 yards a game and cause a mass suicide among defensive coordinators.
Cincy VS Tenn- I’m sorry for making fun of Andy Dalton every week. Aaron Rodgers has the belt but Andy Dalton has the title of “best soulless ginger freckle faced quarterback”. He doesn’t get a belt for this but rather maybe a rubber band with the title written in pen. Chris Johnson rushed for a season high 64 yards. File that under sentences I never thought that I’d write.
Giants VS Pats- I think I blacked out from this game so I will let my friend Mike take this one. Somehow this game had no points scored in the first half but 21 scored in the last 200 seconds. It was a classic Manning VS Brady matchup however this time it was Eli Manning who after this game and Super Bowl 42 officially owns Thomas L. Brady. Also every Giant fan that rips him needs to STFU and realize how lucky we are to have him. Even though he does one thing a day that makes you want to smash your head against the wall it could be worse, you could have Kevin Kolb at quarterback or dare I say Tom Brady……
This week, Eva Mendes
No words
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