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Posted on Dec 05, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 13 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Titans VS Bills- In 8 months we are going to read a few different variations of the following storyline; “His holdout really affected Chris Johnson and once he got back into game shape he was a beast the last 7 weeks of the year”.  I will never trust him even though trading for him may win me 1 league.  Meanwhile a few weeks ago I called a disappointing 8-8 season for the Bills.  At this point they would be ecstatic with 8-8.

Chiefs VS Bears- The difference in this game was a halftime Hail Mary that the Chiefs were able to convert.  We watched possibly the 2 worst quarterbacks the NFL has to offer and Caleb Hanie out sucked Tyler Palko.  Also Bachelor Bible sends our condolences to Matt Forte.  I never forgave you for ruining my 2009 fantasy football season but you are not Shaun Alexander and I would never root for you to get injured before you got the big contract you deserve.

Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!

Miami VS Oakland- This game ended 34-14 and was not as close as the score would lead you to believe.  The Dolphins went from potential #1 overall pick to frisky 6-10 team that nobody wants to play.  Also Tony Sparano should win coach of the year and yes I am super serious.  I am also really excited for somebody picking Reggie Bush in the top 4 rounds of one of my fantasy drafts next year.

New England VS Indy- The Colts beat the spread and were a successful onside kick and 30 second no time out touchdown drive away from winning this game.  That’s a moral victory if there ever was one.  Also Dan Orlovsky outperformed Tom Brady fantasy wise so please everyone who took my advice and went out and picked up Tom Brady should cut him for Dan Orlovsky.

Pittsburgh VS Cincinnati- Some teams are REAL good and some teams are fake good.  The Steelers are REAL good and the Bengals are just fake good.

Carolina VS Tampa- Cam Newton had 3 rushing touchdowns and 1 passing and will inevitably be selected way too high in your fantasy draft next year.  This is all I have because I didn’t watch any of this game.

Jets VS Redskins- Last week my Facebook feed blew up with Jet fans calling for Mark Sanchez’s head and he threw 4 touchdowns.  This week it blew up with calls for OC Brian Schotenheimer’s job.  The team ended up scoring 35 points.  Jet fans need to call out the defense next week and they will inevitably pitch a shutout.

Houston VS Atlanta- Atlanta is one of those FAKE good teams we mentioned previously.  Houston is a REAL good team with a fake good QB.

Denver VS Minnesota- With under 7 minutes remaining Denver was down 8 with the ball.  At that moment I had no doubt they would win the game, I just wasn’t sure how it would unfold.  It unfolded with Tebow leading 2 different game tying drives and then his defense picked off Christian Ponder and set up Denver for a game winning field goal.  Biggest Tebow time was taken to such a high level this week that my mom asked “Who is this Tebow guy?” 

Baltimore VS Cleveland- A few weeks ago I did a list of best running backs in football which only included Adrian Peterson.  However I also included a few honorable mentions and Ray Rice did not make the list.  Apparently he caught wind of this and decided to rush for 400 yards and 7 touchdowns.  I just want Raymond R. Rice to know that I am sorry for not including him and next time I do the best running backs alive list his name will surely be included.  The Browns managed just 3 points in this game which is 4 more than I expected.

Arizona VS Dallas- The one silver lining of being a Giant fan is that they are chasing Dallas for the NFC East title and Dallas is just as flawed as the Giants.  This game ended when Jason Garret iced his own kicker in regulation, followed by his kicker MISSING the second time.  Then in OT, Kevin Kolb threw the ball as far as his little baby arm could manage (5 yards) and Larod James Ray Stephen-Howling-Smith-D’Brickashaw-Williamson scampered 50+ yards for a game winning touchdown.  After the game Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan was quoted as saying “I eat because I’m sad and I’m sad because I eat”

This blog is full of references nobody under 20 gets

San Fran VS St Louis- John Harbough is going to win coach of the year.  Steve Spagnolo is not.  San Fran clinched the NFC West with this win which surprised me because I thought it had been clinched 6 weeks ago.

Giants VS Packers- Normally I’d be more upset but my favorite team went toe to toe with the best team in football and lost by 3.  The Giants remind me of one of my 6 fantasy football teams, “The Goodness”.  You see “The Goodness” is far and away my best team.  However we have struggled through a myriad of injuries and bad luck and are currently in 5th place needing a win this week to sneak into the top 4 and secure playoff berth.  You see I know “The Goodness” is the best team in the league and if we just make the playoffs we will win the whole thing.  I also know the Giants are good enough to win the whole thing if they can just sneak into the playoffs.  I’m not angry with the team or the coach or the GM.  I am just hopeful that they can win out and find a spot in the playoffs because they went punch for punch with the Pats and Packers, the 2 best offenses in the NFL and went 1 for 2.  All I want is a shot at the playoffs and 1 more chance to beat Aaron Rodgers down Cherry Hill…..

Kara picked this week's girl

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Posted on Oct 03, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of Week 4 of the NFL and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Panthers VS Bears- Cam Newton is fucken awesome.  How else do you even describe this guy?  He’s thrown for something like 20,000 yards in his first 3 games so far.  He’s almost as awesome at being a quarterback as Devin Hester is at returning kicks.  Hester returned his 79th career kick for a touchdown this week.  Oh and Matt Forte is really, really, really, really good at running the ball.  Basically the theme of this game is that some people in the NFL are really good at what they do.  Oh and hi Deangelo Williams welcome to the season, glad to see that big fat contract wasn’t weighing you down anymore.

Titans VS Browns- Colt Mccoy threw for 350 yards this game.  This would be noteworthy except that EVERYONE threw for 300+ yards this week.  Matt Hassleback threw a bunch of touchdowns.  I think Kenny Britt even caught one from the trainer’s table.  Chris Johnson finally decided to show up this week, I guess the theme of week 4 was “super high fantasy draft pick running backs who finally decided to run hard week”.

Bills VS Bengals- The Bills bandwagon just came crashing back to earth.  The beard lost to a fucken ginger.  Just to give you an idea of how easy it was to throw for 300 yards this week, Andy Dalton was just 2 yards short and he has no soul.

I think Andy Dalton is the middle one.

Vikings VS Chiefs- How does Lesley Frazier still have a job?  Does he have to fuck the owner’s mother while pouring sugar in his gas tank to get fired?  At this point how are they just not running the option with Percy Harvin and Adrian Peterson?   How is that not better than their current offensive strategy?

Redskins VS Rams- This game might be an urban legend kind of like Bigfoot or the clitoris.  They tell me it was on but it never made it onto our T.V.  BTW, just when you thought it was safe to trust Mike Shanahan and his running back, he pulls this shit and has 3 guys split carries.  He can fuck himself.

49ers VS Eagles- Baby hands Alex Smith led the 49ers to a stirring comeback in the latest installment of the “Mike Vick is a scumbag and all Philly fans are scumbags for rooting for him” tour.  Before we all get too happy about the Eagles 1-3 record, let’s all remember the Miami Heat started 9-8 and then put it all together to make the NBA Finals.  This Eagles team is like Michael Myers, we need to cut their head off and bury them at the bottom of the lake and blow up the lake and then burn the area where the lake used to be and….

How does he throw the ball with those tiny hands?

Saints VS Jags- This game went exactly how we all thought it would.  Drew Brees threw for a bunch or yards and Blaine Gabbert didn’t.  The Saints scored a bunch of points and Jacksonville didn’t.

Steelers VS Texans- Andre Johnson hurt his knee but walked off the field on his own which led to a 10 minute discussion on whether someone could walk off the field after tearing their ACL.  If anyone is a doctor and can give us an answer we’d appreciate it.  Some running back on the Texans ran for a bunch of yards and the Steelers defense is no longer scary good.

Chargers VS Dolphins- Its biggest Tolbert time its biggest Tolbert time, it’s daddy’s favorite player, its daddy’s favorite player.

Falcons VS Seahawks- Tavaris Jackson threw for 300+ yards.  That’s how easy it is!  Tavaris Jackson wouldn’t start for most flag football teams but he threw for 300 yards in this game.  I can’t take the Falcons seriously after this happened.  If Tavaris can throw for that many yards think what Aaron Rodgers will do to them.  Speaking of….

Packers VS Broncos- Aaron Rodgers threw for 408 yards 4 touchdowns and ran for 2 more.  I literally did not make up those stats, they are real life stats.  He had approximately 87 fantasy points this week and regardless of what Tom Brady does Rodgers holds the title of Best Quarterback Alive until further notice.

Patriots VS Raiders- Mr. Brady only threw for 266 and 2 touchdowns.  I know I have been encouraging you guys to go out and pick him up and I am sorry for that.  If you started Tom Brady this week you inevitably lost since every other quarterback was way more awesome than he was.  Hell Jason Campbell threw for over 300 yards and he is the very definition of mediocrity at the quarterback position. 

Uncle Rico was reportedly based on Matt Stafford

Cowboys VS Lions-   I guess Tony Romo sucks again.  Matt Stafford continues to throw ball far, like really far.  Like Uncle Rico over the fucken mountain far.  When he throws it far he throws it to Calvin Johnson.  Last week I compared him to super Megatron.  What’s bigger than Super Megatron?  He’s like those Dino Bots that all combined to form a giant T-Rex.  He caught a touchdown pass in triple coverage this week.  I’m not kidding, 3 large athletic men whose sole purpose in life is to stop other large athletic men from catching balls could not stop him.

I'm running out of Transformer related analogies to describe Calvin Johnson

Giants VS Cardinals- Every fan has done the same thing when their team is down 10 with about 5 minutes left. “Ok if we score quick here, we have 2 timeouts so if we kickoff and hold them to 3 and out we will get a shot to try and tie the game, we can do it”.  90% of the time something in the plan goes wrong.  In today’s Giant game it was Victor Cruz who smartly decided to lay down instead of trying to fight for more yards except he was never touched and thus fumbled the ball when he stood up without it.  I’ve seen this happen before, this is a fumble, game over.  My father destroyed a perfectly good laundry basket and I threatened to deport poor Victor Cruz.  Then the refs came out and declared no fumble and that the play was unchallengeable.  For once in my life an obscure rule didn’t fuck me.  The Giants scored a touchdown on the next play and I apologized to poor Victor and my dad smiled sheepishly at his destroyed laundry basket.

This is now in 8 pieces.

 For your viewing pleasure, Vida Guerra

 
 
 
 
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