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Posted on Dec 05, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 13 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Titans VS Bills- In 8 months we are going to read a few different variations of the following storyline; “His holdout really affected Chris Johnson and once he got back into game shape he was a beast the last 7 weeks of the year”.  I will never trust him even though trading for him may win me 1 league.  Meanwhile a few weeks ago I called a disappointing 8-8 season for the Bills.  At this point they would be ecstatic with 8-8.

Chiefs VS Bears- The difference in this game was a halftime Hail Mary that the Chiefs were able to convert.  We watched possibly the 2 worst quarterbacks the NFL has to offer and Caleb Hanie out sucked Tyler Palko.  Also Bachelor Bible sends our condolences to Matt Forte.  I never forgave you for ruining my 2009 fantasy football season but you are not Shaun Alexander and I would never root for you to get injured before you got the big contract you deserve.

Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!

Miami VS Oakland- This game ended 34-14 and was not as close as the score would lead you to believe.  The Dolphins went from potential #1 overall pick to frisky 6-10 team that nobody wants to play.  Also Tony Sparano should win coach of the year and yes I am super serious.  I am also really excited for somebody picking Reggie Bush in the top 4 rounds of one of my fantasy drafts next year.

New England VS Indy- The Colts beat the spread and were a successful onside kick and 30 second no time out touchdown drive away from winning this game.  That’s a moral victory if there ever was one.  Also Dan Orlovsky outperformed Tom Brady fantasy wise so please everyone who took my advice and went out and picked up Tom Brady should cut him for Dan Orlovsky.

Pittsburgh VS Cincinnati- Some teams are REAL good and some teams are fake good.  The Steelers are REAL good and the Bengals are just fake good.

Carolina VS Tampa- Cam Newton had 3 rushing touchdowns and 1 passing and will inevitably be selected way too high in your fantasy draft next year.  This is all I have because I didn’t watch any of this game.

Jets VS Redskins- Last week my Facebook feed blew up with Jet fans calling for Mark Sanchez’s head and he threw 4 touchdowns.  This week it blew up with calls for OC Brian Schotenheimer’s job.  The team ended up scoring 35 points.  Jet fans need to call out the defense next week and they will inevitably pitch a shutout.

Houston VS Atlanta- Atlanta is one of those FAKE good teams we mentioned previously.  Houston is a REAL good team with a fake good QB.

Denver VS Minnesota- With under 7 minutes remaining Denver was down 8 with the ball.  At that moment I had no doubt they would win the game, I just wasn’t sure how it would unfold.  It unfolded with Tebow leading 2 different game tying drives and then his defense picked off Christian Ponder and set up Denver for a game winning field goal.  Biggest Tebow time was taken to such a high level this week that my mom asked “Who is this Tebow guy?” 

Baltimore VS Cleveland- A few weeks ago I did a list of best running backs in football which only included Adrian Peterson.  However I also included a few honorable mentions and Ray Rice did not make the list.  Apparently he caught wind of this and decided to rush for 400 yards and 7 touchdowns.  I just want Raymond R. Rice to know that I am sorry for not including him and next time I do the best running backs alive list his name will surely be included.  The Browns managed just 3 points in this game which is 4 more than I expected.

Arizona VS Dallas- The one silver lining of being a Giant fan is that they are chasing Dallas for the NFC East title and Dallas is just as flawed as the Giants.  This game ended when Jason Garret iced his own kicker in regulation, followed by his kicker MISSING the second time.  Then in OT, Kevin Kolb threw the ball as far as his little baby arm could manage (5 yards) and Larod James Ray Stephen-Howling-Smith-D’Brickashaw-Williamson scampered 50+ yards for a game winning touchdown.  After the game Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan was quoted as saying “I eat because I’m sad and I’m sad because I eat”

This blog is full of references nobody under 20 gets

San Fran VS St Louis- John Harbough is going to win coach of the year.  Steve Spagnolo is not.  San Fran clinched the NFC West with this win which surprised me because I thought it had been clinched 6 weeks ago.

Giants VS Packers- Normally I’d be more upset but my favorite team went toe to toe with the best team in football and lost by 3.  The Giants remind me of one of my 6 fantasy football teams, “The Goodness”.  You see “The Goodness” is far and away my best team.  However we have struggled through a myriad of injuries and bad luck and are currently in 5th place needing a win this week to sneak into the top 4 and secure playoff berth.  You see I know “The Goodness” is the best team in the league and if we just make the playoffs we will win the whole thing.  I also know the Giants are good enough to win the whole thing if they can just sneak into the playoffs.  I’m not angry with the team or the coach or the GM.  I am just hopeful that they can win out and find a spot in the playoffs because they went punch for punch with the Pats and Packers, the 2 best offenses in the NFL and went 1 for 2.  All I want is a shot at the playoffs and 1 more chance to beat Aaron Rodgers down Cherry Hill…..

Kara picked this week's girl

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Posted on Nov 07, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 9 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Jets VS Buffalo- This game was ugly.  At one point at the end of the first half the 2 teams had 3 turnovers and a missed field goal in about a 2 minute span.  However this Jets team is made to win ugly and they absolutely shutdown Bachelor Bible favorite Ryan Fitzpatrick who threw for about 85 yards the entire game until leading a late touchdown drive in garbage time.  The AFC East is now a 3 way tie between the Jets, Pats and Bills.  “You’re Welcome Jet fans”- Eli Manning

Miami VS Kansas City- The Dolphins have been the dregs of the NFL all season but on this day the Dolphins looked like world beaters.  Matt Moore looked more like Tom Brady than Brady on Sunday.  Reggie Bush for the second week in a row looked like Reggie Bush in NCAA06.  Their defense looked like the 85 Bears, mostly because Matt Cassel is terrible and the Chiefs offense doesn’t have one player with an 80 total rating in Madden.  This paragraph broke the record for most football video game references in Bachelor Bible history.  Congrats on your first win Dolphins, you win a copy of NFL Gameday courtesy of Bachelor Bible.

Does anyone know Tony Sparano's mailing address?

Dallas VS Seattle- The Cowboys didn’t want to win this game.  They threw interceptions, fumbled away touchdowns on the goal line and gave up points to the awful Seahawks offense.  However the Seahawks are epically awful so the Cowboys won by double digits and sportswriters everywhere will write how Tony Romo is a winner this week.

Falcons VS Colts- Julio Jones had 2 catches in the first half and both were long touchdown passes.  On one play Matt Ryan literally just threw the ball as far as he could to the end zone at 3 different Colts defensive backs and Julio Jones somehow ended up with the ball.  This led to speculation that the Colts are so bad they have white defensive backs which if true diminishes this catch.

New Orleans VS Tampa- The last team to win a Super Bowl without an elite quarterback were the Steelers back in 2006.  Rothlisberger had yet to develop into an elite QB and the team won mostly on the strength of its defense and running game (and the help of the officials if you ask everyone in Seattle).  The last 5 years have shown that if you want to win a Super Bowl you need an elite QB.  You cannot win a Super Bowl anymore without a passing game capable of flinging the ball around the field and big play receivers.  I bring this up because this game illustrates perfectly between the “haves” and the “have nots” of the NFL.  The Saints are “haves”, they have Drew Brees and a litany of big play threats including Darren Sproles, Jimmy Graham and Marquis Colsten.  The Bucs do not have.  Josh Freeman is a perfectly fine quarterback but he isn’t at the upper echelon yet.  Furthermore his best WR is Mike Williams’ corpse which truth be told is highly productive for being a corpse but is below average overall.  The Saints won this game because they have an elite QB who isn’t throwing to corpses and receivers less effective than a corpse.

San Fran VS Washington- I heard Frank Gore had like 187 yards in this game.  I can’t confirm this fact because this was the winner of this week’s “Game we didn’t even try to watch, not even a little bit”

Houston VS Cleveland- Arian Foster and Ben Tate had over 100 yards in this game.  So did Derrick Ward, Ahman Green, Steve Slaton, Ron Dayne and David Carr.  The Browns had nobody rush for 100 yards in this game because Peyton Hillis is taking the “Madden Curse” to all new levels this year.  Has anyone ever gone from the cover of Madden to not in the game the next season?

Every Giant fan just threw up a little

Denver VS Oakland- It’s biggest Tebow time, it’s biggest Tebow time, it’s daddy’s favorite religious, lightening rod quarterback, it’s daddy’s favorite religious lightening rod quarterback.  In all seriousness the Tebow rollercoaster is going up this week.  We will hear from all the Tebow supporters this week and everyone who called him “a joke” last week will be suddenly quiet.  Then next week if the Chiefs rebound and shut him down and intercept a few of his poorly thrown balls than the new narrative will be, “wow look how awful he is”.  Tim Tebow is a young quarterback with a strange throwing motion and moderate arm strength who didn’t get all the first team reps in a shortened preseason and is playing with a below average wide receiving core and a coach who learned about this thing called “the forward pass” about 7 months ago.  Let’s wait a few SEASONS before we crucify him or anoint him for sainthood.  In a related note Carson Palmer is still terrible.

Rams VS Cardinals- This game ended on a 99 yard punt return by Patrick Peterson aka Ed Reed 2.0.  That’s all you need to know.

Can we get Patrick Peterson on a good team please?

Chargers VS Packers- Bachelor Bible has been pimping Aaron Rodgers as “Best QB Alive” for weeks now.  The hype has gotten so out of control that somebody on Sports Center said that he is playing better than Peyton Manning, Tom Brady or Joe Montana has ever played.  This may be true and Aaron Rodgers has the belt but please do not for one second get it twisted.  If John Elway played today he would pass for 500 yards a game and cause a mass suicide among defensive coordinators.

Cincy VS Tenn- I’m sorry for making fun of Andy Dalton every week.  Aaron Rodgers has the belt but Andy Dalton has the title of “best soulless ginger freckle faced quarterback”.  He doesn’t get a belt for this but rather maybe a rubber band with the title written in pen.  Chris Johnson rushed for a season high 64 yards.  File that under sentences I never thought that I’d write.

Giants VS Pats- I think I blacked out from this game so I will let my friend Mike take this one.  Somehow this game had no points scored in the first half but 21 scored in the last 200 seconds.  It was a classic Manning VS Brady matchup however this time it was Eli Manning who after this game and Super Bowl 42 officially owns Thomas L. Brady.  Also every Giant fan that rips him needs to STFU and realize how lucky we are to have him.  Even though he does one thing a day that makes you want to smash your head against the wall it could be worse, you could have Kevin Kolb at quarterback or dare I say Tom Brady……

This week, Eva Mendes

No words

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Posted on Oct 31, 2011 by — Sports — 1 comment

Recap of NFL Week 8 and a Picture of a Hot Chick

Giants VS Dolphins- This game summed up the experience of being a Giant fan the last 7 years perfectly.  The Giants were playing an overmatched 0-6 team with a lame duck coach and the immortal Matt Moore at quarterback.  Needless to say the Giants fell behind early and were lucky to pull out a win at home.  The Dolphins are bad, this is news to no one.  They can’t move the ball downfield and if they were playing any team but the Giants, running the ball would have been impossible because the Dolphins two best plays were “Reggie Bush running like he did in NCAA06 the video game” and “Matt Moore scampers for 8 yards because he can’t find an open receiver”.  In the end the Giants won the game because talent wins most of the time and the Giants despite their many flaws are the more talented team.  There is a reason they are leading their division and the Dolphins are 9 weeks away from completing their Andrew Luck destiny.

Rams VS Saints- The Saints were 7 days removed from hanging 200 points on the Colts while the Rams are winless and coming into the game with A.J. Feely playing quarterback.  Obviously this game ended with the Rams winning by two touchdowns because why would anything that happens week to week in the NFL make any sense?  In related news Steven Jackson made the scariest face I’ve ever seen.  I included a picture of him, you just have to imagine the man in the picture howling like a werewolf.

That is a bad man

Vikings VS Panthers- This game was the opposite of the Rams VS Saints.  I could have written the recap of this game 2 days ago.  Cam Newton is on pace to be the greatest QB in NFL history, Steve Smith has recaptured the title of best WR under 5’9 however the Vikings won because Adrian Peterson is so fucken good he currently occupies all of the spots in the top 5 running backs in the world list.  In fact said list looks like this.

  1. Adrian Peterson
  2. Adrian Peterson
  3. All Day (Adrian’s nickname)
  4. Adrian’s alter ego Smooth Lester Brown
  5. Adrian Peterson

Apologies to Lesean McCoy, Arian Foster, Jamal Charles, Steven Jackson and Chris Johnson’s corpse.

Titans VS Colts- Speaking of Chris Johnson’s corpse…  This isn’t even funny anymore, have we sent Chris to the doctor?  Are we sure this isn’t a weekend at Bernie’s situation?  Someone locate Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.  Oh and the Titans won and ran a really cool running play involving wide receiver Nate Washington.

Maybe the Titans need to play a salsa song during the game

Baltimore VS Arizona- I know what Raven’s fans are going through with Joe Flacco.  The Giants went through a similar thing at the start of Eli Manning’s career.  The defense is first class and the offense has playmakers but the whole team hinges on the growing pains of a young QB prone to making mistakes.  The first half was a disaster for the Ravens.  It might as well been the 5th and 6th quarters of the Ravens offensive abortion against the Jaguars Monday night.  At halftime I’m sure Raven fans were hatching a plan to kidnap Flacco and researching Maryland state law to see what kind of jail time comes with kidnapping a grown man.  Alas though, this was a tale of 2 halves and Raven’s fans (and the thousands of people who picked Baltimore in their Survivor pools) were granted a present in the form of Kevin Kolb and the Arizona Cardinals.  The Cardinals somehow blew a 3 score lead to a team with under 150 yards of total first half offense.  Kevin Kolb threw for about 15 yards in the second half and Larry Fitzgerald went home and killed a hooker to blow off steam.

Texans VS Jags- I slept through most of this game.  I’m told the Texans won and the Arian Foster is really good.

Buffalo VS Washington- The Beard is back!  Ryan Fitzpatrick hasn’t shaved all season and has the start of what is only 11-35 months away from being a glorious man beard once again.

Detroit VS Denver- The return of Matt Stafford throw ball far.  Welcome back Matt Stafford throw ball far, we missed you.  I’m sure every expert who doesn’t believe Tim Tebow will succeed will use this game as proof that he will never be a good NFL QB.  These people may ultimately end up being right.  However let’s not rush to judgment until Tebow plays with ONE skill position player who is above average.  His best running back is No Show Moreno and his best wide receiver is about 5’4.  A lot of young QBs would struggle in his situation.  Also he has a winning smile no homo.

49ers VS Browns- Frank Gore is really upset he wasn’t included in the best running backs list.  So mad in fact he torched the Browns for about 315 yards in anticipation of being left off the list.  Rumors that the Browns actually scored in this game are unsubstantiated.

Bengals VS Seahawks- I was forced to watch this game when every other late game was at halftime. If you are unfamiliar with A.J. Green please become acquainted with the NFL’s next great wide out.  He is so good he makes his ginger quarterback Andy Dalton look good.  Also I think I heard that Pacman Jones played in this game and scored a touchdown but I might have been asleep and dreamt that.

Steelers VS Patriots- Reports of the demise of the Steeler’s Defense have been greatly exaggerated.  The Steel Curtain demolished Tom Brady and limited the vaunted Pats offense to just 17 points.  They pressured Brady, jammed his receivers and basically turned their running game non-existent.  Meanwhile Ben Rothlisberger orchestrated multiple scoring drives, mixing power running with long passes.  Congrats Steelers, you have the target on your back as the team to beat in the AFC.  Try to hold onto it for longer than a week.

This week, topical hot chick Bibi Jones

Good for you Rob Gronkowski!

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Posted on Oct 17, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 6 and a Hot Girl

Lions VS 49ers- The 49ers employed a winning strategy to stop super duper Megatron.  They guarded him with as many as 5 defensive players and limited him to 113 yards and no touchdowns.  I drew  a picture to help explain

This was by far the most effective strategy to date and resulted in the Lions first loss of the season.  By taking away super Megatron the 49ers took away Matt Stafford’s ability to throw ball far and Matt Stafford loves to throw ball far.  If you watch any highlight shows then you have surely seen the tiff that the coaches got into after the game.  While I agree with Lion’s coach Jim Swartz that Jim Harbaugh acted like a dick, I commend Harbaugh for not apologizing, Swartz completely overreacted and nobody should even care about this.

Packers VS Rams- Aaron Rodgers is so fucken good he toys with opposing defenses.  The man is the best quarterback alive.  The belt celebration he does is for “World’s Greatest QB”.  By my estimates he threw 8 touchdowns and 700 yards in the first half and then took the second half off to prank call Bret Favre’s house.

You can't out woo Aaron Rodgers! woooooooo

Steelers VS Jags- I wonder if Jack Del Rio updates his resume during the games or if he waits until after.  Amazingly enough, the Jags came within a Hail Mary of winning this game.  That’s all I have because I don’t think we watched more than 3 plays if this game.

Redskins VS Eagles- This game went exactly how we thought it would 6 weeks ago.  Rex Grossman threw 18 Interceptions and the Eagles offense looked terrific until it got inside the Redskins 10 yard line then they suddenly looked like a bunch of handicap children playing duck, duck goose.

If this joke ofended you go fuck yourself

Panthers VS Falcons- It’s biggest Turner time, it’s biggest Turner time, it’s daddy’s favorite show, it’s daddy’s favorite show.  In a related note, everyone who bought into the new Falcon’s aerial attack hype in the preseason has learned a valuable lesson, Matt Ryan isn’t very good.

Ravens VS Texans- Ray Rice is in beast mode.  Every day he’s shuffling.  If Chuck Norris tried to tackle him Chuck Norris would end up on his face.  Ray Rice is angling for one of those Chris Johnson/Adrian Peterson type contracts.  Insert your own Ray Rice hyperbole here.

Raiders VS Browns- The Browns are so bad that Kyle Boller came in for an injured Jason Campbell and the Browns still couldn’t win this game.  Peyton Hillis and his 1 fantasy point can go fuck themselves.  Seriously, good luck getting that new contract Peyton.  I hope it’s with the Las Vegas Locomotives of the UFL.

Saints VS Bucs- The Saints looked amazing last week in a win and the Bucs lost by 103 points.  So naturally the Bucs came out gangbusters and won this week led by 75 year old Ernest Graham.  Drew Brees threw for 350 yards for the 4th straight week but also threw 3 picks so he dropped to 3rd in the “World’s Greatest Quarterback” race.

Cowboys VS Pats- The first quarter of this game featured 4 turnovers.  Every time we turned this game on one of these 2 teams would hand the ball to the other one.  What should have been a 49-42 shootout between two potent offenses ended 20-16.  The Cowboys hit Tom Brady and jammed his receivers and executed a terrific game plan the whole day.  But Tom Brady and his new haircut showed why they are neck and neck with Aaron Rodgers and his awesome beard for world’s greatest quarterback belt by leading a game winning drive.  Brady had the belt in his record breaking 18-1 season, it was up for grabs when he blew his knee out 12 minutes into the next season, Brees claimed it when he won the Super Bowl the next season, Rodgers grabbed it last year and has it until someone takes it away from him.

Colts VS Bengals- Peyton Manning probably hears all this talk about the 3 way race between Brees, Brady and Rodgers for best QB alive and yells at the TV; “REALLY, FUCK ALL OF YOU, WAIT UNTIL MY NECK IS BETTER I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PASS FOR NINE THOUSAND YARDS AND 75 TOUCHDOWNS, DO NOT FORGET ABOUT ME”.  Also the Bengals and Colts played the type of boring game you’d expect from 2 teams that will combine to win 8 games this year.

I'm a regional manager. I'm very important, I drive a Dodge Stratus!

Geico Guinea Pig Commercial- Click the following link and watch this commercial.  We laughed incredibly hard and actively tried to see commercials just to catch it.

Giants VS Bills- In the battle for best team in New York (sorry Jet fans) the Giants prevailed.  I have watched probably 355 of the 360 minutes the Giants have played this year and they are incredibly maddening to root for.  One minute they can look amazing, the D-line busting through and making tackles for losses, Eli connecting on long passes, Ahmad Bradshaw making it biggest Bradshaw time, all these things happen and remind me of their vaunted Super Bowl run a few years ago.  Other times they look completely hapless, dropping passes, missing tackles, blowing coverages and wasting 1 timeout per half because they can’t get a play off in time.  This particular game they had more of the former plays than the latter and eked out a 3 point win.  It made up for the 80 yard run by Fred Jackson in the first quarter when Deon Grant looked like someone playing Madden who has never played before and takes the wrong angle to make a tackle.  Everyone who has played Madden just nodded their head right now.

 

In honor of National Breast Cancer month here is Marissa Miller wearing a pink Bikini

save the boobies

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Posted on Oct 03, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of Week 4 of the NFL and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Panthers VS Bears- Cam Newton is fucken awesome.  How else do you even describe this guy?  He’s thrown for something like 20,000 yards in his first 3 games so far.  He’s almost as awesome at being a quarterback as Devin Hester is at returning kicks.  Hester returned his 79th career kick for a touchdown this week.  Oh and Matt Forte is really, really, really, really good at running the ball.  Basically the theme of this game is that some people in the NFL are really good at what they do.  Oh and hi Deangelo Williams welcome to the season, glad to see that big fat contract wasn’t weighing you down anymore.

Titans VS Browns- Colt Mccoy threw for 350 yards this game.  This would be noteworthy except that EVERYONE threw for 300+ yards this week.  Matt Hassleback threw a bunch of touchdowns.  I think Kenny Britt even caught one from the trainer’s table.  Chris Johnson finally decided to show up this week, I guess the theme of week 4 was “super high fantasy draft pick running backs who finally decided to run hard week”.

Bills VS Bengals- The Bills bandwagon just came crashing back to earth.  The beard lost to a fucken ginger.  Just to give you an idea of how easy it was to throw for 300 yards this week, Andy Dalton was just 2 yards short and he has no soul.

I think Andy Dalton is the middle one.

Vikings VS Chiefs- How does Lesley Frazier still have a job?  Does he have to fuck the owner’s mother while pouring sugar in his gas tank to get fired?  At this point how are they just not running the option with Percy Harvin and Adrian Peterson?   How is that not better than their current offensive strategy?

Redskins VS Rams- This game might be an urban legend kind of like Bigfoot or the clitoris.  They tell me it was on but it never made it onto our T.V.  BTW, just when you thought it was safe to trust Mike Shanahan and his running back, he pulls this shit and has 3 guys split carries.  He can fuck himself.

49ers VS Eagles- Baby hands Alex Smith led the 49ers to a stirring comeback in the latest installment of the “Mike Vick is a scumbag and all Philly fans are scumbags for rooting for him” tour.  Before we all get too happy about the Eagles 1-3 record, let’s all remember the Miami Heat started 9-8 and then put it all together to make the NBA Finals.  This Eagles team is like Michael Myers, we need to cut their head off and bury them at the bottom of the lake and blow up the lake and then burn the area where the lake used to be and….

How does he throw the ball with those tiny hands?

Saints VS Jags- This game went exactly how we all thought it would.  Drew Brees threw for a bunch or yards and Blaine Gabbert didn’t.  The Saints scored a bunch of points and Jacksonville didn’t.

Steelers VS Texans- Andre Johnson hurt his knee but walked off the field on his own which led to a 10 minute discussion on whether someone could walk off the field after tearing their ACL.  If anyone is a doctor and can give us an answer we’d appreciate it.  Some running back on the Texans ran for a bunch of yards and the Steelers defense is no longer scary good.

Chargers VS Dolphins- Its biggest Tolbert time its biggest Tolbert time, it’s daddy’s favorite player, its daddy’s favorite player.

Falcons VS Seahawks- Tavaris Jackson threw for 300+ yards.  That’s how easy it is!  Tavaris Jackson wouldn’t start for most flag football teams but he threw for 300 yards in this game.  I can’t take the Falcons seriously after this happened.  If Tavaris can throw for that many yards think what Aaron Rodgers will do to them.  Speaking of….

Packers VS Broncos- Aaron Rodgers threw for 408 yards 4 touchdowns and ran for 2 more.  I literally did not make up those stats, they are real life stats.  He had approximately 87 fantasy points this week and regardless of what Tom Brady does Rodgers holds the title of Best Quarterback Alive until further notice.

Patriots VS Raiders- Mr. Brady only threw for 266 and 2 touchdowns.  I know I have been encouraging you guys to go out and pick him up and I am sorry for that.  If you started Tom Brady this week you inevitably lost since every other quarterback was way more awesome than he was.  Hell Jason Campbell threw for over 300 yards and he is the very definition of mediocrity at the quarterback position. 

Uncle Rico was reportedly based on Matt Stafford

Cowboys VS Lions-   I guess Tony Romo sucks again.  Matt Stafford continues to throw ball far, like really far.  Like Uncle Rico over the fucken mountain far.  When he throws it far he throws it to Calvin Johnson.  Last week I compared him to super Megatron.  What’s bigger than Super Megatron?  He’s like those Dino Bots that all combined to form a giant T-Rex.  He caught a touchdown pass in triple coverage this week.  I’m not kidding, 3 large athletic men whose sole purpose in life is to stop other large athletic men from catching balls could not stop him.

I'm running out of Transformer related analogies to describe Calvin Johnson

Giants VS Cardinals- Every fan has done the same thing when their team is down 10 with about 5 minutes left. “Ok if we score quick here, we have 2 timeouts so if we kickoff and hold them to 3 and out we will get a shot to try and tie the game, we can do it”.  90% of the time something in the plan goes wrong.  In today’s Giant game it was Victor Cruz who smartly decided to lay down instead of trying to fight for more yards except he was never touched and thus fumbled the ball when he stood up without it.  I’ve seen this happen before, this is a fumble, game over.  My father destroyed a perfectly good laundry basket and I threatened to deport poor Victor Cruz.  Then the refs came out and declared no fumble and that the play was unchallengeable.  For once in my life an obscure rule didn’t fuck me.  The Giants scored a touchdown on the next play and I apologized to poor Victor and my dad smiled sheepishly at his destroyed laundry basket.

This is now in 8 pieces.

 For your viewing pleasure, Vida Guerra

 
 
 
 
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Posted on Sep 23, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

New York Giants: What’s Next?

Terrell Thomas, Marvin Austin, Dominick Hixon, Clint Sintin, Jonathon Goff.  These are the New York Giant players who are out for the season at the time of this posting.  Osi Umenyiora, Justin Tuck, Prince Amukamura, Mario Manningham; these are the list of Giant players who have or will miss at least one game.  The season is only 1/8th over.  This is ridiculous.

This one was last year but you get the idea

Not only have they had unparalleled injuries but they lost their first game to the Washington fucken Redskins and their biggest rival; the Eagles spent the offseason creating a super team.  Not only this but some Jet fans have decided that since the Jets have had more recent success that they can act obnoxious and rip the Giants as if these 2 teams have an actual rivalry.  Here’s a hint, they don’t.

As Giant fans it seems like every week we ask ourselves “what else could go wrong?”  So at the risk of somehow causing the team more bad luck, here is a list of things that could possibly go wrong the rest of the season.

Hakeem Nicks nagging thigh injury forces him to miss time and Mario Manningham’s concussion is similar to Sidney Crosby’s and he is also out for the year.  If this happens Victor Cruz has to take time off from making pizzas and be the team’s #1 wideout.

The NFL bans Lycans thus forcing the team to find replacements for their top two running backs and best defensive player.

Peyton’s neck injury is contagious….

The team fires Tom Coughlin and brings back Ray Handley.

This is my nightmare!!!!!

The Eagles somehow trade for Patrick Willis and Brian Urlacher.

The team bans tailgating before games because too many fan are “drinking till they don’t feel feelings anymore”

The name of their Stadium is officially changed to Jet stadium.

The 2008 Super Bowl win is declared void because the Giants were found to be cheating.

If this was taken away from me I would have exactly 0 happy sports memories

Phil Simms gets Aids.

It turns out Lawrence Taylor is more of a douche than we already thought.

The team’s home games get blacked out for the first time in my lifetime.  Actually scratch that, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad after all…..

This blog needed one happy thing in it

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