Log in

admin
Posted on Dec 05, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 13 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Titans VS Bills- In 8 months we are going to read a few different variations of the following storyline; “His holdout really affected Chris Johnson and once he got back into game shape he was a beast the last 7 weeks of the year”.  I will never trust him even though trading for him may win me 1 league.  Meanwhile a few weeks ago I called a disappointing 8-8 season for the Bills.  At this point they would be ecstatic with 8-8.

Chiefs VS Bears- The difference in this game was a halftime Hail Mary that the Chiefs were able to convert.  We watched possibly the 2 worst quarterbacks the NFL has to offer and Caleb Hanie out sucked Tyler Palko.  Also Bachelor Bible sends our condolences to Matt Forte.  I never forgave you for ruining my 2009 fantasy football season but you are not Shaun Alexander and I would never root for you to get injured before you got the big contract you deserve.

Yes, they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!

Miami VS Oakland- This game ended 34-14 and was not as close as the score would lead you to believe.  The Dolphins went from potential #1 overall pick to frisky 6-10 team that nobody wants to play.  Also Tony Sparano should win coach of the year and yes I am super serious.  I am also really excited for somebody picking Reggie Bush in the top 4 rounds of one of my fantasy drafts next year.

New England VS Indy- The Colts beat the spread and were a successful onside kick and 30 second no time out touchdown drive away from winning this game.  That’s a moral victory if there ever was one.  Also Dan Orlovsky outperformed Tom Brady fantasy wise so please everyone who took my advice and went out and picked up Tom Brady should cut him for Dan Orlovsky.

Pittsburgh VS Cincinnati- Some teams are REAL good and some teams are fake good.  The Steelers are REAL good and the Bengals are just fake good.

Carolina VS Tampa- Cam Newton had 3 rushing touchdowns and 1 passing and will inevitably be selected way too high in your fantasy draft next year.  This is all I have because I didn’t watch any of this game.

Jets VS Redskins- Last week my Facebook feed blew up with Jet fans calling for Mark Sanchez’s head and he threw 4 touchdowns.  This week it blew up with calls for OC Brian Schotenheimer’s job.  The team ended up scoring 35 points.  Jet fans need to call out the defense next week and they will inevitably pitch a shutout.

Houston VS Atlanta- Atlanta is one of those FAKE good teams we mentioned previously.  Houston is a REAL good team with a fake good QB.

Denver VS Minnesota- With under 7 minutes remaining Denver was down 8 with the ball.  At that moment I had no doubt they would win the game, I just wasn’t sure how it would unfold.  It unfolded with Tebow leading 2 different game tying drives and then his defense picked off Christian Ponder and set up Denver for a game winning field goal.  Biggest Tebow time was taken to such a high level this week that my mom asked “Who is this Tebow guy?” 

Baltimore VS Cleveland- A few weeks ago I did a list of best running backs in football which only included Adrian Peterson.  However I also included a few honorable mentions and Ray Rice did not make the list.  Apparently he caught wind of this and decided to rush for 400 yards and 7 touchdowns.  I just want Raymond R. Rice to know that I am sorry for not including him and next time I do the best running backs alive list his name will surely be included.  The Browns managed just 3 points in this game which is 4 more than I expected.

Arizona VS Dallas- The one silver lining of being a Giant fan is that they are chasing Dallas for the NFC East title and Dallas is just as flawed as the Giants.  This game ended when Jason Garret iced his own kicker in regulation, followed by his kicker MISSING the second time.  Then in OT, Kevin Kolb threw the ball as far as his little baby arm could manage (5 yards) and Larod James Ray Stephen-Howling-Smith-D’Brickashaw-Williamson scampered 50+ yards for a game winning touchdown.  After the game Cowboys defensive coordinator Rob Ryan was quoted as saying “I eat because I’m sad and I’m sad because I eat”

This blog is full of references nobody under 20 gets

San Fran VS St Louis- John Harbough is going to win coach of the year.  Steve Spagnolo is not.  San Fran clinched the NFC West with this win which surprised me because I thought it had been clinched 6 weeks ago.

Giants VS Packers- Normally I’d be more upset but my favorite team went toe to toe with the best team in football and lost by 3.  The Giants remind me of one of my 6 fantasy football teams, “The Goodness”.  You see “The Goodness” is far and away my best team.  However we have struggled through a myriad of injuries and bad luck and are currently in 5th place needing a win this week to sneak into the top 4 and secure playoff berth.  You see I know “The Goodness” is the best team in the league and if we just make the playoffs we will win the whole thing.  I also know the Giants are good enough to win the whole thing if they can just sneak into the playoffs.  I’m not angry with the team or the coach or the GM.  I am just hopeful that they can win out and find a spot in the playoffs because they went punch for punch with the Pats and Packers, the 2 best offenses in the NFL and went 1 for 2.  All I want is a shot at the playoffs and 1 more chance to beat Aaron Rodgers down Cherry Hill…..

Kara picked this week's girl

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Nov 28, 2011 by — Sports, Uncategorized — Add your take!

NFL Week 12 Recap and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Cincinnati VS Cleveland- This Sunday at my house was a family event which meant a whole new set of people with different gambling implications and games they needed to watch.  As a result we watched a whole bunch of this game as my uncles claimed the Bengals were “a lock this week”.  They somehow eeked out a win but were unable to cover the spread.  The first of many great gambling calls by my uncle.  Andy Dalton looked good and if we redrafted the 2011 NFL draft today I imagine he’d be a top 5 pick along with Cam Newton, Von Miller, Patrick Peterson and A.J Green.

Titans VS Bucs- Welcome back Chris Johnson, we missed you.  We now have a time table for how long it takes to get back into game shape after missing all of training camp; 10 weeks.  Too bad all of your fantasy owners are in dead last after selecting you in the top 5 of their drafts.  This game ended with a 4th and 1 in a torrential downpour with the clock running and the Bucs deciding to run one of the worst 4th down plays I have ever seen and not only didn’t make the yard they needed they lost 3 yards.  Game: Titans.

Atlanta VS Minnesota- Roddy White went into pure Beast Mode for this game.  He had by my own estimates 290 receiving yards and 4 touchdowns.  Minnesota did their best, Percy Harvin had a big boy game but without Adrian Peterson the Vikings just didn’t have enough firepower to stay with the Falcons.

Arizona VS St. Louis- Beanie Wells sucks.  I don’t care if he had 200+ rushing yards in this game, I refuse to believe he is any good.  Patrick Peterson however is really good.  He had his 3rd punt return of the year for a touchdown and I can promise next year that Steve Spagnuolo will have his punter kick the ball out of bounds every time and take his chances with the Cardinals offense rather than let Peterson beat him again.

Houston VS Jacksonville- Matt Leinert broke his collarbone in this game 2 weeks after Matt Schuab broke his foot.  Rumors that Brett Favre is flying to Houston are unsubstantiated.

Panthers VS Colts- The Colts gave a valiant effort but are 5 weeks away from having to engage in an awkward conversation with Peyton Manning asking him to retire so Andrew Luck can play.  Reports of a Deangelo Williams fantasy relevance sighting cannot be confirmed at this time.

Jets VS Bills-  Around 2 PM my Facebook newsfeed blew up with Jet fans calling for Mark Sanchez’s head on a platter.  In the end he threw 4 touchdowns including the game winner and his team survived another week.  However it all would have been for naught if Stevie Johnson had managed to hold onto a perfectly thrown ball from my favorite Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Johnson had 2 steps on anyone from the Jets and let the ball go right threw his hands ruining an otherwise solid performance against the world’s only shutdown corner Darrell Revis.  Maybe he will blame God again for this drop.

Oakland VS Chicago- Sebastian Janikowski kicked 6 field goals and led to a 10 minute debate as to whether that was a smart pick by the Raiders selecting him in the first round 7 years ago.  I still say no.  The game ended when the Bears backup QB was unable to execute a clock killing spike to give the team another play at the end of the game.  Weird.

Washington VS Seattle- The Seahawks were the second of my uncle’s “locks of the week”.  Naturally the Redskins not only beat the spread but also beat the Seahawks.  The lesson from this game; when you lay 4 points you better do so with a QB of a higher quality than Tavaris Jackson.

New England VS Philadelphia- The Pats laid the wood to the Eagles this week and hopefully killed any chance “The Dream Team” has of making the playoffs.  Vince Young is unable to make even the most basic throws.  This game was just a barrage of Desean Jackson and Brent Celek shaking their heads as balls bounced at their feet or flew 3 feet over their heads.  The Pats receivers feel the opposite as every ball seems to hit them perfectly in their hands in stride.  With the fantasy playoffs coming up in 2 weeks I suggest everyone who hasn’t already go grab Tom Brady as he is totally awesome.

This is the picture of a man whose quarterback cant get him the ball

Denver VS San Diego- This was my uncles 3rd “lock of the week” and if you haven’t figured out the theme of his picks so far he LOVED the Chargers.  His logic being that the Chargers would put up too many points for Tim Tebow to even mount a comeback.  This is a solid argument but it ignores a few basic facts.  First, Phil Rivers sucks.  This is something most people outside of San Diego and his fantasy owners don’t realize yet but he does.  Also the Denver defense is really good.  It’s so good in fact that I’m sure Kyle Orton was sitting in the locker room in Kansas City bitching that he’d still be the starter in Denver if their defense played like this when he was there.  The last thing my uncle didn’t take into account was that “it’s biggest Tebow time, it’s daddy’s favorite quarterback”.  Look, I can’t explain this Tebow thing so I have chosen to just enjoy it and I recommend you do the same.

For your viewing pleasure, Nikki Cox

She was hot in the 90s, trust me

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Nov 21, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

NFL Week 11 Recap and a Picture of a Hot Girl

This week I will not be in America on Sunday and cannot write the usually Bachelor Bible Recap of the NFL’s week 11 action.  However I did not want to leave our readership without their dose of BB Recap goodness so I’m guessing what I think will happen in each one of these games.  As far as most of you know, this will be as accurate as the actual recap.  Once again, let me reiterate, this are all guesses before the actual games as to what I think WILL happen.

Detroit VS Carolina- Matt Stafford throw ball far.  Megatron probably torches the Panthers’ secondary for like 3 TDs.  Cam Newton probably continues his descent back to the middle of the pack as defenses every week have more and more tape to prepare for him.  Oh and Ndamkung Suh probably does something dirty.  Detroit takes it 42-20

Jaguars VS Browns- Who cares?

Tampa Bay VS Green Bay- The Packers win the title for “best team by the bay”.  Aaron Rodgers passes for 400 yards and 5 touchdowns before the 4th quarter even starts and the telecast is promptly shut off because the announcers are having uncontrollable Aaron Rodgers’ induced orgasms in the booth.

Dallas VS Washington- The Cowboys lose this game because it looks too obvious that they will win.  Demarco Murray will fumble twice in the red zone and Tony Romo will throw a late pick to Deangelo Hall which will lead to 500 different columns this week questioning his “clutchicity”.  Or the Cowboys will win by 30, either or.

Buffalo VS Miami- Reggie Bush rushed for a touchdown but Fred Jackson rushed for 3 in his valiant attempt to GET PAYYYYEDD.  The Dolphins come crashing back down to earth and are not favored in a game again the rest of the season.  Tony Sparano still gets fired at season’s end but instead of getting Andrew Luck the Dolphins wind up with Matt Barkley aka Matt Leinert 2.0 and the franchise continues to be bottom dwellers throughout the decade.

Oakland VS Minnesota- This matchup features possibly the 2 most talented running backs in the league in Adrian Peterson and  Darren Mcfadden.  Naturally then this game will be decided by an awful throw by one of the 2 middle of the road quarterbacks late in the game.  I’m thinking a combined 300 rushing yards 3 touchdowns and at least 3 “Oh shit” moments.  The team that wins will be the team that scores more touchdowns.

Cincinati VS Baltimore- I play on a men’s league basketball team named after a fictional saint.  Our team is one of the better teams in a league that is filled with above average competition.  However we have a disturbing habit of deciding that certain teams are not worth our time and effort and we “play down to our competition” as they say in the sports world.  The Baltimore Ravens also do this from week to week in the NFL.  I don’t know how an entire team can subconsciously judge an opponent and deem them unworthy without actually discussing it but it happens.  The only question of this game is whether the Ravens deem the Bengals true contenders based on their 6-3 record or bums based on the fact that they lack big name players at many key positions.  If the Ravens win it is because they respect the Bengals and if they lose it is because they took them lightly.

Seattle VS St. Louis- This game will end in a 0-0 tie after 75 minutes of regulation and over -time play.  Congress will then pass a law banning football in both St. Louis and Seattle for the next 10 years.  Nobody will be sad.

They are voting on the fate of 50% of the NFC West

Arizona VS San Francisco- Larry Fitzgerald will go for 100+ yards and multiple touchdowns despite the 49ers employing as many as 6 defensive backs to guard him on any given play.  It will not matter however as San Fran will win as they are destined to go 13-3 and get smacked in the second round of NFL playoffs.

Titans VS Falcons- The Chris Johnson comeback tour will continue, thus fooling everyone to draft him way too high in their fantasy league next year.  Roddy White is going to draw at least 2 pass interference penalties which do no good for his fantasy owners and Jason Snelling or Jacquiz Rodgers will poach a TD from Michael Turner thus causing all of his fantasy owners to hurl something in anger.   In reality football news, the Falcons will win 27-14

This is your worst nightmare Michael Turner owners

San Diego VS Chicago- San Diego wins a “must win game”.  Norv Turner proves he is not completely retarded and has his punter kick every punt out of bounds or out of the end zone thus neutralizing  Devin Hester .  Matt Forte does Matt Forte things and Antonio Gates returns to prominence.

This week, Sloan!

Her name is too Sloan!

Tags: , , , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Nov 13, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 10 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Recap of NFL Week 10 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

New Orleans VS Atlanta- Drew Brees is so good that Mike Smith went for it on 4th down and inches at his team’s own 30 yard line, basically assuring his team of losing if they didn’t make it because he KNEW his defense couldn’t stop Drew Brees.  That’s a level of respect we’ve never seen before.  In retrospect maybe the Falcons should have used some of those draft picks on shoring up their defense instead of trading them for Julio Jones.  Fun Fact; the Saints are now 0-11 on coin tosses this season which happens to one out of every 1,248 teams.

Dallas VS Buffalo- It was nice while it lasted Buffalo.  8-8 seems to be where they are headed and a 5 win improvement from last year is nothing to be ashamed of.  In an unrelated note the Cowboys offense are a bunch of fantasy studs.  Tony Romo threw ball far to the tune of 200+ yards and 3 touchdowns in the first half and took the second half off to bang 3 woman hotter than you or I will ever see.  Dez Bryant is a monster, ditto Jason Witten.  Demarco Murray looks like the waiver wire pickup that will win some people their league.  They have sooo many weapons even with all their injuries.

This is what an 8-8 beard looks like

Jacksonville VS Indy- There were 10 games on at 1 PM today.  Needless to say we didn’t get to watch every game and this was 1 of 2 that never made it onto the T.V.

Arizona VS Philly- This game did make it into our rotation.  It also perfectly illustrates the evils of gambling on sports.  I should be ecstatic that the Eagles lost and put themselves in an almost impossible spot to make the playoffs.  Instead I am distraught because this game was one of 2 that knocked us out of our 135 person survivor pool this week.  I should be happy that Michael Vick looked like shit and that the immortal John Skelton torched the Eagles $30 million secondary for 300+ yards.  But I’m not and it’s all because of gambling.  Larry Fitzgerald also wants you to know he’s still alive and that when he has a human capable of getting him the ball that he is in the conversation for best wide receiver alive.

Way to go Philly, you lost to an extra from Leave it to Beaver

Houston VS Tampa- Arian Foster is really fucken good.  Then again Ben Tate is really good too.  Actually Derrick Ward didn’t look bad in this game either.  On second thought the Texans line is really good at run blocking.

Tennessee VS Carolina- Speaking of people who are really good; welcome back to being awesome Chris Johnson!  I’d like to think that Chris Johnson has been reading the Bachelor Bible recaps every week and we motivated him to finally do well.  Way to start earning that contract Chris!

Miami VS Washington- Way to go Dolphins, not giving up on the season.  Reggie Bush had 2 touchdowns to continue the “Reggie Bush playing like this is NCAA06” theme that has been going in November.   The Redskins are 2 months from getting Mike Shanahan fired.

Pittsburgh VS Cincinnati- Andy Dalton found out it is much tougher to succeed in the NFL when you are playing the Steelers as opposed to the crappy teams the Bengals have been beating.  He did however connect with A.J. Green on a beautiful long touchdown pass.  Welcome to the first 3 rounds of everyone’s fantasy draft next season A.J.

St. Louis VS Cleveland – This was the other aforementioned “game we didn’t even try to watch not even for a little bit”.  I heard Steven Jackson was in beast mode but that’s just a rumor.

Broncos VS Chiefs- Tim Tebow did not complete a pass until about halfway through the third quarter of this game.  He finished with 2 completions on 8 attempts (one for a touchdown) which in this day in age is horrible.  However, his team managed to win despite this and are within one game of first place in their division.  I have no idea what to make of this so I am just going to skip to the next game.

Baltimore VS Seattle- This is the other “game that knocked us out of our Survivor pool”.  More than once the commentators remarked how Tavaris Jackson threw “a perfect pass” on a particular play.  Had we know that Tavaris Jackson was capable of completing perfect passes maybe we would have picked differently.  However history had told us that if given the choice Tavaris will usually throw a ball that is described as less than perfect.  Joe Flacco however continued to drive everyone in Maryland and everyone who gambled on him to drinking heavily on Sundays.

Detroit VS Chicago- Matt Stafford throw ball far turned into Matt Stafford throw ball to other team.  By my own estimates he threw 15 pick sixes and on one utterly amazing play managed to overthrow Calvin Johnson.  Scientists at Brown University are studying said pass since it was previously believed to be impossible to overthrow Megatron.  Also Devin Hester had another punt return for a touchdown leading me to believe that NFL coaches really aren’t all that smart since they continue to let their kickers kick to this man.

Giants VS 49ers- This game was the cherry on top of the sports apocalypse that was my week.  There would be more expletives in this paragraph and more broken laundry baskets at my house but I kind of expected this and after last week’s win I am still on a bit of a Giants football high.  For instance today’s conversation during the game was whether Eli Manning is the 3rd or 4th best quarterback in the NFL this year and yes we were serious and no we are not being Giants homers.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Nov 08, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Patriots Fan Brawl from Sundays Game

You know what’s rare in NFL fan fight video history over the last decade? Patriots’ fans brawling with each other. Just doesn’t seem to happen because they’re all bros just destroying broads, cheering for championships and getting sized for Super Bowl rings. But, when Goldilocks & Hoodie lose two in a row, the loyalists start freaking out on each other. Take this brawl last night at the Giants game. It’s go time. Old bro isn’t down with Mayo’s shit-talking. Eventually, one guy takes matters into his own hands. BOOM! (via: bustedcoverage)

 

 

Tags: , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Nov 07, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 9 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Jets VS Buffalo- This game was ugly.  At one point at the end of the first half the 2 teams had 3 turnovers and a missed field goal in about a 2 minute span.  However this Jets team is made to win ugly and they absolutely shutdown Bachelor Bible favorite Ryan Fitzpatrick who threw for about 85 yards the entire game until leading a late touchdown drive in garbage time.  The AFC East is now a 3 way tie between the Jets, Pats and Bills.  “You’re Welcome Jet fans”- Eli Manning

Miami VS Kansas City- The Dolphins have been the dregs of the NFL all season but on this day the Dolphins looked like world beaters.  Matt Moore looked more like Tom Brady than Brady on Sunday.  Reggie Bush for the second week in a row looked like Reggie Bush in NCAA06.  Their defense looked like the 85 Bears, mostly because Matt Cassel is terrible and the Chiefs offense doesn’t have one player with an 80 total rating in Madden.  This paragraph broke the record for most football video game references in Bachelor Bible history.  Congrats on your first win Dolphins, you win a copy of NFL Gameday courtesy of Bachelor Bible.

Does anyone know Tony Sparano's mailing address?

Dallas VS Seattle- The Cowboys didn’t want to win this game.  They threw interceptions, fumbled away touchdowns on the goal line and gave up points to the awful Seahawks offense.  However the Seahawks are epically awful so the Cowboys won by double digits and sportswriters everywhere will write how Tony Romo is a winner this week.

Falcons VS Colts- Julio Jones had 2 catches in the first half and both were long touchdown passes.  On one play Matt Ryan literally just threw the ball as far as he could to the end zone at 3 different Colts defensive backs and Julio Jones somehow ended up with the ball.  This led to speculation that the Colts are so bad they have white defensive backs which if true diminishes this catch.

New Orleans VS Tampa- The last team to win a Super Bowl without an elite quarterback were the Steelers back in 2006.  Rothlisberger had yet to develop into an elite QB and the team won mostly on the strength of its defense and running game (and the help of the officials if you ask everyone in Seattle).  The last 5 years have shown that if you want to win a Super Bowl you need an elite QB.  You cannot win a Super Bowl anymore without a passing game capable of flinging the ball around the field and big play receivers.  I bring this up because this game illustrates perfectly between the “haves” and the “have nots” of the NFL.  The Saints are “haves”, they have Drew Brees and a litany of big play threats including Darren Sproles, Jimmy Graham and Marquis Colsten.  The Bucs do not have.  Josh Freeman is a perfectly fine quarterback but he isn’t at the upper echelon yet.  Furthermore his best WR is Mike Williams’ corpse which truth be told is highly productive for being a corpse but is below average overall.  The Saints won this game because they have an elite QB who isn’t throwing to corpses and receivers less effective than a corpse.

San Fran VS Washington- I heard Frank Gore had like 187 yards in this game.  I can’t confirm this fact because this was the winner of this week’s “Game we didn’t even try to watch, not even a little bit”

Houston VS Cleveland- Arian Foster and Ben Tate had over 100 yards in this game.  So did Derrick Ward, Ahman Green, Steve Slaton, Ron Dayne and David Carr.  The Browns had nobody rush for 100 yards in this game because Peyton Hillis is taking the “Madden Curse” to all new levels this year.  Has anyone ever gone from the cover of Madden to not in the game the next season?

Every Giant fan just threw up a little

Denver VS Oakland- It’s biggest Tebow time, it’s biggest Tebow time, it’s daddy’s favorite religious, lightening rod quarterback, it’s daddy’s favorite religious lightening rod quarterback.  In all seriousness the Tebow rollercoaster is going up this week.  We will hear from all the Tebow supporters this week and everyone who called him “a joke” last week will be suddenly quiet.  Then next week if the Chiefs rebound and shut him down and intercept a few of his poorly thrown balls than the new narrative will be, “wow look how awful he is”.  Tim Tebow is a young quarterback with a strange throwing motion and moderate arm strength who didn’t get all the first team reps in a shortened preseason and is playing with a below average wide receiving core and a coach who learned about this thing called “the forward pass” about 7 months ago.  Let’s wait a few SEASONS before we crucify him or anoint him for sainthood.  In a related note Carson Palmer is still terrible.

Rams VS Cardinals- This game ended on a 99 yard punt return by Patrick Peterson aka Ed Reed 2.0.  That’s all you need to know.

Can we get Patrick Peterson on a good team please?

Chargers VS Packers- Bachelor Bible has been pimping Aaron Rodgers as “Best QB Alive” for weeks now.  The hype has gotten so out of control that somebody on Sports Center said that he is playing better than Peyton Manning, Tom Brady or Joe Montana has ever played.  This may be true and Aaron Rodgers has the belt but please do not for one second get it twisted.  If John Elway played today he would pass for 500 yards a game and cause a mass suicide among defensive coordinators.

Cincy VS Tenn- I’m sorry for making fun of Andy Dalton every week.  Aaron Rodgers has the belt but Andy Dalton has the title of “best soulless ginger freckle faced quarterback”.  He doesn’t get a belt for this but rather maybe a rubber band with the title written in pen.  Chris Johnson rushed for a season high 64 yards.  File that under sentences I never thought that I’d write.

Giants VS Pats- I think I blacked out from this game so I will let my friend Mike take this one.  Somehow this game had no points scored in the first half but 21 scored in the last 200 seconds.  It was a classic Manning VS Brady matchup however this time it was Eli Manning who after this game and Super Bowl 42 officially owns Thomas L. Brady.  Also every Giant fan that rips him needs to STFU and realize how lucky we are to have him.  Even though he does one thing a day that makes you want to smash your head against the wall it could be worse, you could have Kevin Kolb at quarterback or dare I say Tom Brady……

This week, Eva Mendes

No words

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Oct 31, 2011 by — Sports — 1 comment

Recap of NFL Week 8 and a Picture of a Hot Chick

Giants VS Dolphins- This game summed up the experience of being a Giant fan the last 7 years perfectly.  The Giants were playing an overmatched 0-6 team with a lame duck coach and the immortal Matt Moore at quarterback.  Needless to say the Giants fell behind early and were lucky to pull out a win at home.  The Dolphins are bad, this is news to no one.  They can’t move the ball downfield and if they were playing any team but the Giants, running the ball would have been impossible because the Dolphins two best plays were “Reggie Bush running like he did in NCAA06 the video game” and “Matt Moore scampers for 8 yards because he can’t find an open receiver”.  In the end the Giants won the game because talent wins most of the time and the Giants despite their many flaws are the more talented team.  There is a reason they are leading their division and the Dolphins are 9 weeks away from completing their Andrew Luck destiny.

Rams VS Saints- The Saints were 7 days removed from hanging 200 points on the Colts while the Rams are winless and coming into the game with A.J. Feely playing quarterback.  Obviously this game ended with the Rams winning by two touchdowns because why would anything that happens week to week in the NFL make any sense?  In related news Steven Jackson made the scariest face I’ve ever seen.  I included a picture of him, you just have to imagine the man in the picture howling like a werewolf.

That is a bad man

Vikings VS Panthers- This game was the opposite of the Rams VS Saints.  I could have written the recap of this game 2 days ago.  Cam Newton is on pace to be the greatest QB in NFL history, Steve Smith has recaptured the title of best WR under 5’9 however the Vikings won because Adrian Peterson is so fucken good he currently occupies all of the spots in the top 5 running backs in the world list.  In fact said list looks like this.

  1. Adrian Peterson
  2. Adrian Peterson
  3. All Day (Adrian’s nickname)
  4. Adrian’s alter ego Smooth Lester Brown
  5. Adrian Peterson

Apologies to Lesean McCoy, Arian Foster, Jamal Charles, Steven Jackson and Chris Johnson’s corpse.

Titans VS Colts- Speaking of Chris Johnson’s corpse…  This isn’t even funny anymore, have we sent Chris to the doctor?  Are we sure this isn’t a weekend at Bernie’s situation?  Someone locate Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.  Oh and the Titans won and ran a really cool running play involving wide receiver Nate Washington.

Maybe the Titans need to play a salsa song during the game

Baltimore VS Arizona- I know what Raven’s fans are going through with Joe Flacco.  The Giants went through a similar thing at the start of Eli Manning’s career.  The defense is first class and the offense has playmakers but the whole team hinges on the growing pains of a young QB prone to making mistakes.  The first half was a disaster for the Ravens.  It might as well been the 5th and 6th quarters of the Ravens offensive abortion against the Jaguars Monday night.  At halftime I’m sure Raven fans were hatching a plan to kidnap Flacco and researching Maryland state law to see what kind of jail time comes with kidnapping a grown man.  Alas though, this was a tale of 2 halves and Raven’s fans (and the thousands of people who picked Baltimore in their Survivor pools) were granted a present in the form of Kevin Kolb and the Arizona Cardinals.  The Cardinals somehow blew a 3 score lead to a team with under 150 yards of total first half offense.  Kevin Kolb threw for about 15 yards in the second half and Larry Fitzgerald went home and killed a hooker to blow off steam.

Texans VS Jags- I slept through most of this game.  I’m told the Texans won and the Arian Foster is really good.

Buffalo VS Washington- The Beard is back!  Ryan Fitzpatrick hasn’t shaved all season and has the start of what is only 11-35 months away from being a glorious man beard once again.

Detroit VS Denver- The return of Matt Stafford throw ball far.  Welcome back Matt Stafford throw ball far, we missed you.  I’m sure every expert who doesn’t believe Tim Tebow will succeed will use this game as proof that he will never be a good NFL QB.  These people may ultimately end up being right.  However let’s not rush to judgment until Tebow plays with ONE skill position player who is above average.  His best running back is No Show Moreno and his best wide receiver is about 5’4.  A lot of young QBs would struggle in his situation.  Also he has a winning smile no homo.

49ers VS Browns- Frank Gore is really upset he wasn’t included in the best running backs list.  So mad in fact he torched the Browns for about 315 yards in anticipation of being left off the list.  Rumors that the Browns actually scored in this game are unsubstantiated.

Bengals VS Seahawks- I was forced to watch this game when every other late game was at halftime. If you are unfamiliar with A.J. Green please become acquainted with the NFL’s next great wide out.  He is so good he makes his ginger quarterback Andy Dalton look good.  Also I think I heard that Pacman Jones played in this game and scored a touchdown but I might have been asleep and dreamt that.

Steelers VS Patriots- Reports of the demise of the Steeler’s Defense have been greatly exaggerated.  The Steel Curtain demolished Tom Brady and limited the vaunted Pats offense to just 17 points.  They pressured Brady, jammed his receivers and basically turned their running game non-existent.  Meanwhile Ben Rothlisberger orchestrated multiple scoring drives, mixing power running with long passes.  Congrats Steelers, you have the target on your back as the team to beat in the AFC.  Try to hold onto it for longer than a week.

This week, topical hot chick Bibi Jones

Good for you Rob Gronkowski!

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
1 comment
Posted on Oct 24, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Games Week 7 and a Picture of a Hot Girl

Denver VS Miami- We turned this game on with about 6 minutes left and the score 15-0.  At that point one of the announcers made a comment that it looked like Tony Sparano would be celebrating his first win of the year.  Then Tim Tebow led the Broncos on a touchdown drive and a Miami player fumbled the onside kick and I declared to anyone who would listen; “Tebow is going to lead them on a touchdown drive right now and then run in the 2 point conversion”.  Sure enough this happened and a few minutes later the Dolphins fumbled on their own side of the field and Matt Prater kicked a 52 yard field goal to win the game.  Tebowmania will be in full effect this week.  The Broncos will lead off PTI on Monday, they will get multiple segments on Sports Center and tons of sports columnists will write some variation of “Tim Tebow didn’t have great stats, he just came up big when it mattered the most”.  The lesson will be, the difference between heroes and goats can be less than 6 minutes.

Houston VS Tennessee- I wonder if the Titans are looking into getting Chris Johnson’s new contract voided.  In retrospect that deal has been a train wreck combined with a train wreck that had a plane crash into it on top of a live volcano.  In other premier running back news, Arian Foster is due for a gigantic contract that his team ultimately regrets.

Seattle VS Cleveland- The Indians defeated the Mariners 6-3.  Travis Hafner touched up Felix Hernandez for two home runs and… oh, this was a football contest?  I had no idea.  I’m sorry, we watched none of this game.

Atlanta VS Detroit- With Javid Best out the Lions have no running game.  They also have no real receiving threats other than Super Duper Megatron.  This is evident by the fact that their only touchdown in this game was a classic Matt Stafford throw ball far, Calvin Johnson catch ball and get touchdown.  It seems the rest of the league has caught up to their very one dimensional offensive strategy.  Also Matt Ryan injured his ankle on one play and bent it so awkwardly everyone watching thought he had broken it and 2 people watching with me actually vomited a bit.  He’s a football player so he’s tough and came back and played with the bone sticking out.

Washington VS Carolina- So after 2 weeks of Ryan Torain getting the lion’s share of the rushing workload, this week Mike Shanahan decided to feature Tim Hightower.  Of course he did, Mike Shannahan hates fantasy players so much you would think Erick Karabell fucked his wife.  Also Cam Newton is really fucking good and I continue to be amazed by the fantasy resurgence of Steve Smith who has now put to rest any discussion of who the “real Steve Smith” truly is.

San Diego VS Jets- The Jets are a team with some obvious flaws.  They can’t generate a pass rush without blitzing, other than Revis nobody in their secondary has above average coverage skills, they don’t have the quarterback to be a full out pass first team and they lack a premier running back that goes along with being a run first team.  These aren’t meant to hurt the feelings of Jet fans, they are just a neutral observers opinion from having watched 75% of their plays this year.  However this week the football gods gave them a present in the form of the Chargers.  The Chargers for the last 5 years under Norv Turner have made a habit of handing winnable games to inferior teams.  The Chargers have more talent than the Jets but stayed true to their colors and blew a game they should have won by double digits.

I think this picture says it all

Pittsburgh VS Arizona- The Steelers are very good.  Obviously Big Ben read my column last week and wondered why he wasn’t included in the greatest quarterback alive discussion so he threw for 600 yards and 7 touchdowns this week.  The Cardinals are not very good.  Kevin Kolb might have also ready my column last week but unfortunately he is fucken terrible.  I’m sure Arizona’s front office is looking through their paperwork trying to see if they can somehow void their trade of multiple draft picks, a pro bowl cornerback, 18 free games of shuffleboard at the Golden Edge retirement community and a bunch of sand for Kevin Kolb. 

Dallas VS St Louis- Welcome to the Demarco Murray era.  It will be everything people thought the Felix Jones era would be.  Also, the Sam Bradford era has temporarily been put on hold and Josh McDaniels is probably updating his resume at half time by this point.

KC VS Oakland- Kyle Boller threw 3 interceptions so naturally the Raiders pulled him in place of their shiny new QB toy that they overpaid drastically for.  Carson Palmer then one upped him by throwing 3 interceptions in about half as much time.  It’s good to have the Raiders back to being the mess of the NFL.  I didn’t enjoy the last few weeks where they were winning games and looking like a threat to win their division.  This Carson Palmer trade is going to go down as one of the worst trades in NFL history.  It’s the Roy Williams trade on steroids.

Green Bay VS Minnesota- One of my friends called Christian Ponder Curtis Painter like 5 times.  Luckily for Minnesota, Ponder looked nothing like Painter.  He was poised and made big throws and didn’t look like he crapped his pants on the field.  If I was a Vikings fan I would be upset that Donovan McNabb’s corpse ever seen the field this season.  Adrian Peterson was so excited to be receiving handoffs from a real QB that he rushed for 347 yards in this game.  Unlike quarterback, there is no discussion at the running back position, All Day has the belt for greatest back alive, that is unless Barry Sanders un-retires.  However the Packers still won because Aaron Rodgers is better at throwing footballs than you are at anything.

 

This week, a special request; Mila Kunis

Tags: , , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Oct 17, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Check Out: Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz Agrument

After giving the Lions their first loss of the season, their coach wasn’t to thrilled with the hand shake & the way their coach was celebrating at the end of the game. There will 100% be fines from the NFL after this fight. Check it out.

Tags: , , , , ,
No comments
Posted on Oct 17, 2011 by — Sports — Add your take!

Recap of NFL Week 6 and a Hot Girl

Lions VS 49ers- The 49ers employed a winning strategy to stop super duper Megatron.  They guarded him with as many as 5 defensive players and limited him to 113 yards and no touchdowns.  I drew  a picture to help explain

This was by far the most effective strategy to date and resulted in the Lions first loss of the season.  By taking away super Megatron the 49ers took away Matt Stafford’s ability to throw ball far and Matt Stafford loves to throw ball far.  If you watch any highlight shows then you have surely seen the tiff that the coaches got into after the game.  While I agree with Lion’s coach Jim Swartz that Jim Harbaugh acted like a dick, I commend Harbaugh for not apologizing, Swartz completely overreacted and nobody should even care about this.

Packers VS Rams- Aaron Rodgers is so fucken good he toys with opposing defenses.  The man is the best quarterback alive.  The belt celebration he does is for “World’s Greatest QB”.  By my estimates he threw 8 touchdowns and 700 yards in the first half and then took the second half off to prank call Bret Favre’s house.

You can't out woo Aaron Rodgers! woooooooo

Steelers VS Jags- I wonder if Jack Del Rio updates his resume during the games or if he waits until after.  Amazingly enough, the Jags came within a Hail Mary of winning this game.  That’s all I have because I don’t think we watched more than 3 plays if this game.

Redskins VS Eagles- This game went exactly how we thought it would 6 weeks ago.  Rex Grossman threw 18 Interceptions and the Eagles offense looked terrific until it got inside the Redskins 10 yard line then they suddenly looked like a bunch of handicap children playing duck, duck goose.

If this joke ofended you go fuck yourself

Panthers VS Falcons- It’s biggest Turner time, it’s biggest Turner time, it’s daddy’s favorite show, it’s daddy’s favorite show.  In a related note, everyone who bought into the new Falcon’s aerial attack hype in the preseason has learned a valuable lesson, Matt Ryan isn’t very good.

Ravens VS Texans- Ray Rice is in beast mode.  Every day he’s shuffling.  If Chuck Norris tried to tackle him Chuck Norris would end up on his face.  Ray Rice is angling for one of those Chris Johnson/Adrian Peterson type contracts.  Insert your own Ray Rice hyperbole here.

Raiders VS Browns- The Browns are so bad that Kyle Boller came in for an injured Jason Campbell and the Browns still couldn’t win this game.  Peyton Hillis and his 1 fantasy point can go fuck themselves.  Seriously, good luck getting that new contract Peyton.  I hope it’s with the Las Vegas Locomotives of the UFL.

Saints VS Bucs- The Saints looked amazing last week in a win and the Bucs lost by 103 points.  So naturally the Bucs came out gangbusters and won this week led by 75 year old Ernest Graham.  Drew Brees threw for 350 yards for the 4th straight week but also threw 3 picks so he dropped to 3rd in the “World’s Greatest Quarterback” race.

Cowboys VS Pats- The first quarter of this game featured 4 turnovers.  Every time we turned this game on one of these 2 teams would hand the ball to the other one.  What should have been a 49-42 shootout between two potent offenses ended 20-16.  The Cowboys hit Tom Brady and jammed his receivers and executed a terrific game plan the whole day.  But Tom Brady and his new haircut showed why they are neck and neck with Aaron Rodgers and his awesome beard for world’s greatest quarterback belt by leading a game winning drive.  Brady had the belt in his record breaking 18-1 season, it was up for grabs when he blew his knee out 12 minutes into the next season, Brees claimed it when he won the Super Bowl the next season, Rodgers grabbed it last year and has it until someone takes it away from him.

Colts VS Bengals- Peyton Manning probably hears all this talk about the 3 way race between Brees, Brady and Rodgers for best QB alive and yells at the TV; “REALLY, FUCK ALL OF YOU, WAIT UNTIL MY NECK IS BETTER I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PASS FOR NINE THOUSAND YARDS AND 75 TOUCHDOWNS, DO NOT FORGET ABOUT ME”.  Also the Bengals and Colts played the type of boring game you’d expect from 2 teams that will combine to win 8 games this year.

I'm a regional manager. I'm very important, I drive a Dodge Stratus!

Geico Guinea Pig Commercial- Click the following link and watch this commercial.  We laughed incredibly hard and actively tried to see commercials just to catch it.

Giants VS Bills- In the battle for best team in New York (sorry Jet fans) the Giants prevailed.  I have watched probably 355 of the 360 minutes the Giants have played this year and they are incredibly maddening to root for.  One minute they can look amazing, the D-line busting through and making tackles for losses, Eli connecting on long passes, Ahmad Bradshaw making it biggest Bradshaw time, all these things happen and remind me of their vaunted Super Bowl run a few years ago.  Other times they look completely hapless, dropping passes, missing tackles, blowing coverages and wasting 1 timeout per half because they can’t get a play off in time.  This particular game they had more of the former plays than the latter and eked out a 3 point win.  It made up for the 80 yard run by Fred Jackson in the first quarter when Deon Grant looked like someone playing Madden who has never played before and takes the wrong angle to make a tackle.  Everyone who has played Madden just nodded their head right now.

 

In honor of National Breast Cancer month here is Marissa Miller wearing a pink Bikini

save the boobies

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
No comments
Older Posts