Before we begin, let’s take a moment to talk about a few things we know. First off, we know that the majority of us, especially in this economy, don’t have a lot of extra cash to throw around. That being said, we also know that 99% of women are evil, money hungry leaches who want nothing to do with you unless your loaded. Now, I’m not talking about all women, but this type of woman, is more than likely the type you will run into if you are trying to pick them up at a bar or a club. So if you as the average-Joe are going to have any chance of obtaining what’s more than likely the one thing these women are good for, she’s gonna have to think your rich. This may seem impossible, but I assure you it isn’t.
The first step to pretending to be wealthy is dressing like you are wealthy. So what I’m going to need you to do right now is go back are re-read Smartening Up Your Look. . .Ok your back. That should cover up appearance, lets move on.
When you go out to a bar, do yourself a favor. Do it with a pocket full of cash. Because unless it’s a Black Card, plastic doesn’t look like money, it looks like debt. Also, and this is important, instead of going to an ATM before the bar, try to hit a teller. You may have to do it earlier in the day, but believe me it’s worth it. For some reason, crisp bills seem more valuable to women than old bills. I don’t know why, probably because they aren’t as smart as us.
Ok, because your an avid Bachelor’s Guide reader, you had no problem sparking up a conversation with one of these women, and now your about to buy her a drink. When you get yourself a drink in this round, don’t go crazy. Just get a regular beer, and if you must drink liquor, drink it on the rocks. No shots! At this stage in the game you cannot afford to seem like a drunk or to seem like you are trying to get her drunk. I personally recommend Whiskey, because not many women drink it, but they know it’s strong, so they won’t question why you are ordering less drinks for yourself than you are for them. Which brings me to my next point, make sure you don’t drink as much as them.
Alright, the night in winding down and you’ve somehow convinced this woman to leave the bar with you. Always offer to drive. If you have a nice car, PERFECT! If you don’t, then you need to get her drunk enough to not give a fuck what she is getting into. If you have your own pad, PERFECT! If you don’t, make an attempt to go back to hers, or spring for a hotel. Sometimes you get extremely lucky and this woman will not only get into your not so fresh car, but she’ll be drunk enough to pay for your broke ass at the local hotel/motel. If none of the above seem possible, park the car at the most romantic spot you can think of and hope for the best.
Ok young men, I’ve given you all the tolls necessary to complete this task. Now get out there and pretend to be someone much more interesting than you’ll ever be.
Anything you want to know about and are afraid to ask anyone else? Emails are welcome! Feel free to send any and all questions to me at brendan.lyons@dogandponyshowwebsite.com.
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