Fantasy Football is huge. I estimated that 50% of people watching NFL games cared about the Fantasy implications and two of my friends insisted this number was too low. They think it is closer to 75%. All I know is that the last 4 weeks my Facebook news feed blew up with statuses regarding Fantasy Football drafts, not just from guys but even a few females. Heck, my sister who can’t name more than a dozen NFL players plays Fantasy Football. Basically if you have a moderate level of interest in the sport of football and a computer with internet connection than you probably play Fantasy Football.
However I am not here to give you advice, the internet is already full of people and columns doing just that, besides I went 1-5 last week (yes I have 6 teams and yes I know I have a problem). I am here to prepare you for the people you are going to meet in your fantasy football league.
Now I know you are inevitably saying one of two things. One is “Joe I already know what Fantasy Football participants are like, I watch The League.” The League is idiotic. It insults me not only as a fan of Fantasy Football but as somebody with a sense of humor. If your Fantasy League is like the one on the show, congrats you and your friends are the people who my friends and I make fun of.
Look how Zany we are!
You could also be saying, “Joe I know the people in my league, they are my co-workers/college friends/family/bar friends/homeless guy in the alley behind my house.” You may know them in real life but Fantasy Football as the name indicates is not real life. I don’t know why but some people transform into these insane humans when it comes to their Fantasy League. I am here to help prepare you newcomers for the people you will “meet” in your league.
Trader Joe: He offers everyone a trade every day. He probably tried to pull off a trade during the draft. In some extreme circumstances he is planning 2 or 3 moves ahead and is offering you a trade involving a player he HASN’T EVEN ACQUIRED YET. He would only be moderately annoying except all his offers are incredibly lopsided in his favor. Garret Hartley and Mark Sanchez for Tom Brady? Why wouldn’t you immediately pull the trigger? Just know a few things. One, this isn’t “the best he can do” and two, do not agree to a trade just to “get him to leave me alone”. I’ve seen this happen before, TWICE! Please don’t do this, it only encourages this behavior. In my league this person is known as Gusto.
He's good, if he's available you should deffinately pick him up in your league.
The Invisible Man: You can’t get in touch with him. Trade offers never get answered, waiver claims stop going in an in extreme scenarios lineups don’t get set. I hate this person. Fantasy Football requires about 30 minutes of time a week to avoid being this guy. If you are too busy for that then don’t play. You ruin the league for everyone else by being this guy. In my league we call these people Greg. The only way these people can be worse is if they are also the next person as well.
Slim Shady : Everyone who has done fantasy sports knows this guy. The season is long over, winners have been determined and he’s the one guy who hasn’t paid league fee. The winner and the commish both have to chase him for weeks just so that the winner can rightfully get what he’s earned. Let me be clear here so that there’s no confusion on how I feel; these people are some of the worst people on earth. They deserve to be kicked in the nuts everyday they haven’t paid. If you take nothing else from this column, avoid being this person at all costs.
Side Note: if your league is for money ALWAYS tip the commissioner 10% if you win unless the commissioner themselves also won money. If you don’t do this you are almost as bad as the person above.
Mr. Too Into This: This guy is way too into Fantasy Football. He always has suggestions on how to improve the league. Whether it’s FAB, extra flex spots, auction style draft, PPR, including punters, trading future draft picks, this guy always has an obscure idea that will make the league more fun. Problem is most of his ideas are only more fun for him. Most people like Fantasy Football because it is simple not because it is insanely complex and intricate. In my league this person is called Me.
Whiney McBitcherson: “You picked the guy I was going to pick” (said 9 picks before he was due to select) “I had the 5th most points this week but I lost” “Oh my God I can’t believe Tom Brady got 40 points against me”. In my league we tell this person to shut the fuck up.
The Hot Girl: I’m just kidding, attractive females don’t do Fantasy Football.
She's NOT in your league and if she is somebody else is managing her team
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